By Nicole Shir
How to start moving beyond the victim-predator-rescuer pattern.
I will always remember learning about the triangle. I was in a conflict resolution class in college, and a classmate shared information regarding the victim-rescuer-predator triangle. I was immediately intrigued and wanted to hear more. I learned all of us carry this triangle, and that everybody has been hurt at some point. If we do not take the time to heal properly in our lives, we will collectively remain within the triangle.
Everyone has had hurt and pain in their life. When we start comparing our trauma, wounds or struggles, it is like we have seen the door to the triangle open and walked right into it under a neon sign flashing, “Welcome!” When we enter the triangle, there is a person inside who has a big smile, but we might not even notice them because the patterns are so familiar. The person standing at the door doesn’t have our best interest in mind, and, with an evil snicker they quickly shut the door, it locks with a loud boom, and we are so lost in the triangle we can’t perceive anything outside of it. Within seconds, we are bouncing between the angles hitting everyone we see with the corners. The people we impact may get hit with the predator corner or the rescuer corner or the impact might cause them to seek out ways to be victimized. Who knows what part may poke them? This is just one example of how the victim-predator-rescuer triangle can manifest.
We live our lives in our hurting. As we hurt, we hurt others by reliving our pain, which stops the fullness of our belonging in healthy community. This keeps us in torment and everyone around us in torment, too.
Human beings need belonging. If we are not balanced in ourselves, we cannot find belonging. The pattern of the victim-predator-rescuer can wreak havoc on our belonging. You may be asking, “How do I stop living in the triangle?” or “How do I help myself to stop affecting the people I love?”
I believe it starts with a simple two-step process. The first step is awareness and acknowledgment that the triangle exists, and that you have been a participant for years. The second step is to get help. Work with someone who fits your needs and understands how you function in the triangle. If you are willing and they are a trained professional, together you both should be able to break the patterns that cause you to walk through that door and participate with those victim-rescuer-predator patterns.
As I have become healthier and more aware of patterns, I can see the warning signs flashing: Beware, danger you are about to enter the triangle. This has given me the power of choice to shut the door and not enter the triangle. I feel I can walk away skillfully without participating. My progress has allowed me to feel healthy and happier. I couldn’t say that before I learned these skills.
I no longer feel the need to compete or compare with anyone on who has bigger wounds in life or feel bad when people who have been through less get empathy when I don’t. I don’t make snarky comments that could hurt someone. I try to give empathy to those who hurt, remembering we all need empathy. Empathy is not a player in the triangle, and, when I stand with empathy, I know I am less likely to be pulled into the triangle. I can remove myself when people get too intense in a polite but direct way. I have empathy and can give voice to those who are hurting and still feel like I have a voice. I could not have done that before I started this work.
Learning about this triangle and acquiring skills that reduce my participation and involvement in the patterns of the victim-rescuer-predator triangle has been one of the greatest gifts I have been given in my life. I am grateful to share this gift with you. My hope is that you are now aware of this triangle, and that you will accept this gift, like I did, and become healthier and happier.
Nicole Shir did her undergraduate degree minoring in business and conflict resolution and completed her master’s in industrial organizational psychology. She has several certifications including Life Coaching. On a road trip with her co-collaborator, “The Needs Languages” was discovered. Nicole discovered that many of the personalities models currently available do not address how personalities communicate and connect with each other and in community. Since then, she has written three booklets. Find out more at http://www.Amazon.com. She currently offers The Needs Languages: Bringing Balance & Belonging in Dating on Kindle Unlimited for free on Amazon. Find out more at https://www.thesevencandles.com/