By Angelica Love Valentine
It was tough growing up as the daughter of a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The worst part was that I didn’t know what was wrong in our house, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just knew something was very wrong.
I hated my childhood, and my only wish was to be growing up in a different house.
The one optimistic thought I had (once I hit my teen years) was that maybe life could be different if I could just get out!
Finally, at age 20, I “got out” of my mom’s house (I actually got myself kicked out for fighting with her.), and I tried creating a “normal” life. I ended up becoming a workaholic and doing an excellent job, but usually for average pay. I went through many jobs, many men, and then found someone to marry me—but it ended in divorce four years later. My friendships were minimal and superficial, including my relationships with siblings. By age 35, I was isolated from my family, had moved around many times, was unhappy in my work, and never did figure out how to create any true lasting friendships.
The problem, I realized, was that when I left my mom’s house I packed up all the programming and took it with me. I had a small facade of a real life, but deep down I was miserable, confused, and scared—as well as psychologically and emotionally dysfunctional. All I wanted was to be happy and have love in my life, but I wasn’t and I didn’t…because I didn’t know how.
I am now 50, and I’m not blaming my mom for my problems anymore (although I did for a long time). She didn’t mean to mess me up. She loved me the best she could, and she believed in her heart that she was raising me the best she knew how. What she didn’t know was that she had BPD. Strangely, neither did my family; we didn’t find out until mom passed away (10 years ago). It was my sister who finally went for therapy, and her psychologist explained it and gave her books to read. I am so grateful my sister shared all that information with me.
What is BPD?
BPD is a psychological disorder. Quite often when a man had this condition we call it narcissism. For children, it is very similar to growing up with an alcoholic parent, except there is no alcohol involved. In my house, there was no physical abuse—it was all psychological and emotional abuse.
It involves a parent (the controller) with very low self-esteem and a high level of fear—the fear of being alone. Therefore, the parent webs psychological codependent programming into the children (the codependents) to make them needy and believe that the parent is the only one that can supply those basic needs and love. Unfortunately, the needs and love are conditional, rather than unconditional, and they are given or taken away to control or dominate the child.
When a mother has BPD, the impact on the children is always brutal and most people are not aware of the long-term consequences.
My Own Experience
As a child, my mom was the boss. I did what she told me to do. I never did what I wanted to do and never said what I wanted to say. She never asked me what I wanted or offered me choice; everything was decided for me. She used love as her “tool.” If I was “good” I got attention and love. If I was “bad,” love and attention were withheld.
She yelled at me often, and asked questions like, “Are you stupid?” or “What is wrong with you?” Often, I was “in the dog house,” given the silent treatment (and no one else was allowed to talk to me), excluded from family happenings, or sent to bed without dinner.
I remember being laughed at and humiliated. Other people were always talking, so I never got a chance to speak up, and nobody seemed to care. Whenever I would attempt to take control of my life and/or stick up for myself, the tension—the yelling and fighting—would only get bigger until I backed down.
I had very low self-esteem. I hated my mother and blamed her for “why my life wasn’t working.” I was very unhappy. Once I moved out, if I spoke with her, it always ended in a fight. I was a victim (learned helplessness) and life was happening to me (I was reacting the best I knew how). In my 30s, everything that I was experiencing on the inside started manifesting in my body. I became very sick and doctors put on three different prescription medications.
I exhibited severe antisocial behavior. I didn’t have any friends and definitely didn’t have any girlfriends because I could not get along with women, including my sister. I had bad relationships with men and continued to pick the “wrong” type of men (e.g., alcoholics, drug addicts, bad boys, etc). I kept dating guys who were “like my mother.”
I didn’t have any boundaries, because I was never taught what a boundary is. I had a lot of unexpressed fear and anger, as well as intense depression that I was unaware of on a conscious level. I had very negative beliefs, emotions/feelings, and thought patterns.
Strangely, I never talked about this with anyone including my dad, two brothers or my sister. My core (subconscious) beliefs were: Life is hard, the world is scary, people are selfish, I am alone, and I can’t trust you.
My Healing
Ironically, the turning point in my life was when my mom passed away. After an emotional breakdown, I realized that now I could finally start my healing process. I granted myself the time and the priority to do all the healing from my childhood that I needed to do to help clear and heal my wounds—even if it meant I would make less money. Over the next 10 years (from age 40 to 50) I took on the following key things:
I read every self-help book I could get my hands on.
I went to therapy.
I took the Landmark Forum, as well as many other transformational workshops; and went to work for a transformational company.
I worked with a coach (who also had a degree in psychology and came from a narcissist/BPD family) for 3 years.
I learned the definition of a “trigger,” what it means to be “triggered” (a reaction to a past hurt), and how they can help us heal.
I learned what journaling is all about, how it helps us heal, and I did it.
I studied the new thought movement (which teaches the law of attraction and how our thoughts manifest).
I studied NVC (Nonviolent Communication) and learned how to reconnect with my emotions, express my thoughts and emotions, and provide for my own needs.
I studied NLP (Nuero-Linguistic Programming) which addresses how the brain works, how we construct our memories and beliefs, and how we can reprogram the thoughts and beliefs in our subconscious
I accepted getting “laid off” in 2008 (and the following two years of unemployment) as a gift from God so I could focus and accelerate my healing
I went for acupuncture regularly (sometimes up to three times per week) to help me release the trapped negative emotions in my body’s organs.
I got involved with the Center for Spiritual Living (SCL) and got certified in visioning and manifesting with the CSL
I exercised regularly, got a rebounder for my house, and learned/ practiced yoga.
I worked with an alternative healer.
I got certified in NLP.
I got certified in six levels of alternative healing.
I changed my entire diet to eliminate chemicals and processed foods, including doing a six-month raw vegan cleanse.
I learned to stay in relationships (instead of running away), even when they weren’t going well, and took them on as part of my healing
I learned to meditate.
I created a relationship with God and started praying.
This process has been very intensive at times, although it clearly continues to get easier as I travel the path.
The big questions are, after all this work: Am I doing better? Is my life working? Am I happier? Has all the work I have done on the inside transformed what my life looks like on the outside? Here’s why I say YES, it’s working!
HEALTH: My health is the best it’s ever been; through emotional release, healing, and reprogramming my beliefs, my body is now healthy. I am my ideal weight (5 feet, 97 pounds, and size 2). Additionally, I got off of all the prescription drugs that I was told I had to take for the rest of my life.
CAREER: After years of soul searching, I figured out my life purpose and am running my own business as a certified business and life coach. I have self-confidence (for the first time in my life) and I am sharing my passions and gifts with the world. I also am an artist and a published writer, and I lead workshops.
INNER SELF: I transformed my complaining, scared, victim mentality and evolved into a loving, authentic, and responsible woman who can take care of herself, make a difference in the world, and give back. I live my life with gratitude, trust, and a positive attitude. I’m a lot happier and more peaceful then I’ve ever been (and assume these feelings will keep growing).
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP: I have been in a long-term relationship for four years. It is based on unconditional love, friendship, acceptance, compassion, and partnership. I no longer “need” to be in a relationship, and therefore can now have healthy romantic involvement with men who treat me well and appreciate me.
FRIENDSHIPS: For the first time I have friends—long-term friends and new friends, both men and women, and people enjoy hanging out with me.
LIVING SITUTATION: I am living my dream in a beautiful apartment in a warm climate, right on the ocean—the place on earth I love the most.
SPIRITUALITY: I have created a loving and harmonious relationship with God that is a cornerstone of my life.
In closing, has my road been easy to travel? No. Could it have been different? I don’t know. Most importantly, does my life somehow tie in to the bigger grander picture of the journey of my soul? I like to think so.
Angelica Love Valentine is a certified business and life coach helping her clients produce fast lasting results in business and in life by applying cutting edge technologies for change. With more than 15 years of experience and 13 certifications, Angelica Love offers 13 different areas of expertise: Transformation, Manifestation, Business, Money, Life, Communication, Relationships, Belief Work, Spirituality, Health, Consciousness/ Enlightenment, and Executive Skills/Leadership. She is also an experienced coaches’ coach. Call 904-377-7737, email love@angelicalovevalentine.com, or visit www.angelicalovevalentine.com.