By Edy Nathan
Life is full of grief:the tragic loss of a loved one, the death of a spouse, child or friend, the breakup of a long marriage or relationship, the loss of a job or retirement from a lifelong career. Have you noticed how grief is all around us? We are reminded of it and affected by it in our daily lives. If we think about this year’s tragedies at Newtown, CT, and during the Boston Marathon, we are forced to face grief by turning the television on or reading the daily newspapers, let alone dealing with it as it emerges in our private lives.And then there’s that voice that says “If only…I had finished high school. If only I had kept that baby…If only I had said ‘I love you’ to my parent before he/she died.” Our hearts often do not distinguish between the loss of a loved one and the loss of regret held by the inner soul.
Ultimately, grief disguises itself, masking its power through emotions of anxiety, depression, regret and frustration.
Grief is not easy to handle, no matter what circumstances brought us to this state. The key to handling grief is to recognize that recovery can be painfully slow, and to know that as you learn to live with it in a peaceful way and integrate it into your life, the less numb you will be. Numbness is not something that you want your heart to experience. Learning to dance with your grief will allow you to incorporate a balance in your life that invites you to find an active inner peace and enjoy your life.
Perhaps it’s time to learn the process of moving from an active grief to grief with grace. Having worked with thousands of people to help them overcome grief and loss, here are a few tips to use to start turning your Grief into Grace and empower yourself to lead a joyous life that honors the past, while you embrace the life you have!
1. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. Judgment by you or others is not allowed. You will find your voice, and that voice will carry your grief into an internal grace. Grace is a centered, calm place that quietly holds the sadness in a manageable manner. When you reach this state you hold a power that enables you to move on in life.
2. Learn to let go of things that remind you of the person or situation. Whenever someone is lost to you, or whenever you find yourself in a situation of grief, you will tend to hang on to things that remind you of what has been lost. This can be attributed to the human need for something to hang on to when all else is falling. It is the need to hope for something when the entire world seems hopeless.
3. Write a gratitude journal. By recognizing the things for which you can still be thankful, you are giving yourself a chance to see the rainbow through the clouds. Take any ordinary notebook or diary and make a commitment to write in it at the same time every day. List down five (or more) things that you are thankful for in your life. They can be as simple as seeing a rose bloom, or as great as getting a long vacation from work.
4. Blog about your experiences or write a diary. Writing about your grief is one sure way of letting go of the pain. Unreleased pain can turn your heart into a festering wound: Without air and a salve, the wound can go deeper and may never heal. By writing an online diary, you also can get people to see how you feel; if your blog has a commenting or reply feature, people also can take the time to comfort you and make you feel better.
5. Find a support group. Talk your problems out, and listen to people with the same grief and problems as you. As many psychiatrists will tell you, talking always helps, and a support group can help show you the way to a faster recovery.
6. Don’t go it alone. Ask for help! Teach those around you what you need. If you think they should be able to read your mind, I promise you, they are unable to do so. Do not refuse the help of your spouse, children, or friends as they try to comfort you. The more people there are around you, the fewer the chances you will have to concentrate on your grief.
7. Have a spiritual life. Engage in prayer, or enroll in yoga or meditation classes. There are many ways to feed your spirit. By having a spiritual life, you can find strength and support in divine and unseen forces—an important pillar or support when your friends and relatives are not around to offer assistance.
8. Stay away from vices and addictions! People in grief tend to turn to alcohol, drugs, and other vices to drown their sorrows away. Stay away from these! There’s so much more to life than empty addictions!
9. Don’t force the grief away. Keep a mindset that gradual is good. The lesson here is that grief is not something you “get over.” Rather, you learn to integrate grief into your life and move with it. By keeping this mindset, you can recover!
10. Help others. Helping other people cope with their misfortunes can turn into a gift that will help you cope with your own problems.
Edy Nathan, MA, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience specializing in the integration of psychotherapy. She is a former TV personality on A & E’s Psychic Kids, a nationally known grief and past life expert, and she is the keynote speaker on a four-night November 7 “Turning Grief into Grace Cruise” from Tampa to Mexico, sponsored by Vista Spiritual Center. For more information, visit www. VistaSpiritual.org.