By Howard Peiper
Intimacy is one of the most wonderful encounters we will ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the uninhibited experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of sharing love, passion, creativity, laughter and joy. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
Why, then, would we be afraid of intimacy? It is not actually the intimacy itself that we fear. If we could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, we would have no fear of it. What we fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.
The Two Fears Underlying Avoidance of Intimacy
Many of us have two fears that may cause us to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection—of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment—of being invaded, controlled, and losing ourselves.
Because many of us have learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors—from anger and blame to compliance, withdraw, and resistance—every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give himself (or herself) up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in most relationships.
When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, we may decide that it is just too painful to be in a relationship, and we avoid intimacy altogether, yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?
The Healing Journey
The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because we don’t know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own self-worth, instead of making others’ love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally, and learn to set appropriate limits against engulfment.
When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many of us, terrified of losing the other person, will give ourselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about us. We believe that if we comply with another’s demand, the other will love us. Yet losing ourselves is terrifying, and so many of us stay out of relationships due to this fear. If we were to learn to define our own self-worth and stand up for ourselves, the fear will disappear.Intimacy can be experienced at many levels, including physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, financial and recreational.
Intimacy is nurtured through mutual trust, tenderness, acceptance, open communication, caring, apologies, forgiveness and respecting boundaries. Moving beyond our fears of intimacy will open us to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide, and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer.
Dr. Howard Peiper, N.D., nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, has written several best-selling books on nutrition and natural health. Visit his blog at drhowardpeiper.wordpress.com.