By Joeel A. Rivera, M.Ed.
So, how do you handle fear in your life and your relationships? I guess the first question should be: Do you recognize unconscious fears when they are not obvious? Fear can be very detrimental to our lives, but most of the time we don’t even recognize it. How can it be that something that has such a heavy impact on us so easily remains undetected? It’s because we have a fear of fear. Okay, now it just sounds complicated. Understanding our fears and releasing them does not have to be traumatizing. In fact, it can be very liberating!
Did you know that most people fear success more than failure?
This is because a failure can be easier to accept than truly embracing the transformation that success can cause in life. Success means embracing those scary changes that would occur if we let go of fear.
Symptoms of Fear
Fear has many different symptoms, and knowing them can help us recognize the emotion associated with a particular fear so that we can release it. For example, some symptoms of fear can be obvious, such as when our body goes into fight-or-flight mode, or we experience physiological symptoms such as anxiety, racing heart, sensations in our stomach, headaches, or feeling light headed and dizzy.
For some people, this fear may manifest in panic that feels like they are dying or that their body is shutting down. This is the body’s reaction to an unconscious fear hidden under the surface of our emotions. When we experience fight-or-flight in a moment of true threat, such as if we were being chased by a lion, it is not “fear,” it is an automatic survival mechanism. However, when we experience the psychological impact of fight-or-flight, it is actually a survival response to a phantom threat that is only in our mind.
Most symptoms of fear are much more subtle, such as procrastination, constantly being late, not budgeting, not following through on commitments, trying to control others or clinging to limiting beliefs. It also can be surrounding ourselves with people who constantly have problems, which allows us to be the savior so we don’t have to face our own fears. These fears are a little more challenging to detect because they are easy to deny or justify.
The challenge with eliminating most fears is that they can be convincing. It is easy to fool ourselves into believing that our self-sabotaging behaviors or body reactions are due to external forces or actual physical maladies within ourselves. It is easier to project these feelings and behaviors onto outside people and events or to create internal “dis-ease” than it is to face the emotional fear that is the true basis for the symptoms.
Seek and We Shall Find
We seem to find whatever we need to confirm what we think reality should be based on our past experiences. So, if we have a fear, we may blame our reaction on something that someone said, bad luck, hereditary, how the stars align, what we ate, or a belief that it will be released once this or that happens. There is a term in psychology called “confirmation bias.” It means that if we have a belief system we will look for evidence and try to create whatever we believe is necessary to confirm our biases.
The problem is that our ego thinks it’s more important to be right by confirming our biases and fears than to change a comfortable pattern that does not serve us.
Getting Honest with Our Fears
The first step to transformation is to be honest about our fears and the limitations that they cause in our lives. Several days ago, I had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine, life coach Ceidi Garcia. She has an amazing transformational story! Ceidi died giving birth, an experience in which she saw herself outside of her body and then stepped into oneness. Then she was brought back into life to give life, knowing there was a higher purpose. She said that what she experienced was pure joy, it was a reality without any fears. After this experience, she realized that all fears are learned and that part of the journey of life is to deprogram our learned fears to embrace our true power, joy, and the potential that we really are. We discussed that one of the biggest obstacles on this road is coming to acceptance of a fear when it materializes and recognizing that bringing it into awareness can be transformational. She now dedicates part of her life to helping people overcome fear.
The Foundation of Fear
Have you ever heard the term, “The fruit does not fall far from the tree?” Those who are parents may see that their children are mirrors of them, making those parents great teachers for their offspring. However, in our society we negate the impact that our parents and our upbringing have on who we are. Our childhood experiences impact our relationships, our communication skills, our expectations of others, and our expectations of ourselves.
You may speak a somewhat different script or may wear a different costume, but ultimately you are carrying many of the same fears as your caregivers, which manifest in similar or different ways, and your children will do the same with you. Eliminating unconscious patterns and fears can be as simple as reflecting on the fears and beliefs of your caretakers and coming to your own conclusions about which characteristics serve your highest good.
The Purpose of Fear
Fears can have purpose in our lives. For example, if a person keeps hurting someone than the fear of getting hurt is normal and should be recognized and acted upon. This is important because setting boundaries will help us avoid developing relationships that don’t serve us. When we ignore legitimate fears such as this and remain in relationships that don’t meet our needs, we develop residual patterns of fear that we then project onto other relationships in which there is no reason to have fear. Feelings of fear are signals that there is something wrong. Pay attention to them and observe their cause. If they seem more extreme than usual, look deeper to find an unconscious reason for the reaction.
How to Release Fear:
1. Focus on what you DO want and WHY you want it! If you can make a case for how much better your reality will be if you alter it and remind yourself of it when it’s needed, you will have a higher purpose for embracing change.
2. Write down the benefit that you believe you get from maintaining a pattern that is fear-based. Remember even negative experiences can feel beneficial because you get to stay with what you know and it’s comfortable. Giving up a fear often takes you into the unknown, which may cause more fear than you already have.
For example, if your fears make you physically sick, what benefit do you get from that? Perhaps compassion from others, not having to take responsibilities in certain aspects of your life, having others take on your responsibilities, or having an excuse for why you are not living your ideal life. Keep in mind I am not saying that there are not genuine diseases; however, research shows that 80 percent of illness can be manipulated mentally. In fact, people who have multiple personality disorder can have a drastic change from one personality to the next to the extent that they can change eye color, vision, and physical appearance, all because of changes in blood flow and muscle tension. Sometimes an illness that exists within one personality is undetectable within another. Now, that’s a clear example of how powerful the mind is!
3. Develop an interrupting pattern. The best way to change a pattern of fear is to interrupt it a though process or a reaction. Create a thought that makes you smile to replace a fear-causing though. This can be a statement that you read, a song that you sing in your head, or anything that you can do to interrupt the fear. Every time the fear comes up, switch your thinking to the positive interruption (trigger) you created. You can even trigger the fear purposefully and then redirect the thought as training. Over time, the experience that previously triggered a fear will trigger a positive experience instead. Changing patterns can be so powerful that dentists are now using it by hypnotizing clients before doing a root canal and replacing the pain sensation with a positive sensation so that when the person is brought back from hypnosis they have no pain and feel good without taking any medication.
4. Do something symbolic. The mind sometimes needs a mental representation of your releasing something to fully let it go. One way to do this is to write it down and then tear up the paper to help you observe the release.
5. Don’t run from it. The more you try to repress fear the longer it will stay. Therefore, let it come to awareness and then release it (step 4) or redirect it (step 3).
6. Don’t beat yourself up. Instead of beating yourself up, see fear as a learning experience so that it can serve you moving forward. Lingering fears serve to teach and released fears serve to liberate. Either way serves a purpose, so relax and observe.
At the end of the day you are a magnificent being here to experience joy and live the life you desire. Embrace change, conquer fears, and watch your life transform. I wish you many blessings!
Joeel A. Rivera, M.Ed., Ph.D. (ABD) holds a Master’s Degree in Counseling and is currently completing his dissertation for his Ph.D. in Psychology. Joeel’s extensive career as a relationship coach includes certifications in P.R.E.P, a 30-year research-based program for couples, Nurturing Father’s curriculum, and Parenting 21st Century. Joeel is now taking a select number of Life, Relationship, and Entrepreneurship Coaching clients. Contact Joeel at joeel@transformationservices.org