Your toxic relationships are a reflection of something inside of you that needs to be seen and understood.
By Lisa Hawkins
Someone recently asked me, “What do you do if the toxic person you need to get out of a relationship with is yourself?” What an awesome question—and one I am very familiar with!
First, let’s address the nature of toxic relationships with others. You attract others who are toxic—not because you are unworthy of a better relationship—but because somehow (not always) some part of you has accepted toxic traits as normal responses, behaviors or energy. In other words, your brain didn’t recognize a trait as toxic; it actually perceived it as familiar.
How we treat ourselves is how others will treat us!
Most of us have a certain amount of negative self-talk. Some of us, through our conditioning, have developed a toxic relationship with ourselves—and that negative self-talk can govern our lives. It can also ruin our lives. It feels like we are on a runaway train with no brakes.
In many cases throughout my own life, that toxic relationship was hidden. I consciously could not see it when I turned inward. I was diligently working on myself, and, yet, even with the guidance of a therapist, it remained unknown. Each time I got involved with someone, it showed up—no matter how much inner work I did. It was beyond frustrating. At times, I wanted to give up. I left the person, and I also realized it was a recurring pattern. Why couldn’t I choose better partners? What was going on? It was maddening.
The person I wanted to leave was me, and that was impossible. I had to stay and deal with myself. However, I was completely committed to finding the cause of this cycle, and it took over a decade to identify this toxic relationship with myself. This is one of the processes in my life that has drawn me to conscious relationships and fueled my passion for helping others.
It takes practice, patience and curiosity to uncover some of these traits. When I say practice, I truly mean practice. I had to become nonjudgmental with myself, creating space within to allow and be open to hearing the internal dialogue—even when it was nonverbal—to reach some of these wounded, unheard, confused parts of myself.
Your toxic relationships are a reflection of something inside of you that needs to be seen and understood. This sounds simple, but it was one of the hardest things I have done in all my years of healing and personal development. The toxic people in my life were triggering and reminding me of aspects of myself that had been hurt by toxic people. Those toxic people from my youth formed a foundation of conditioning. It was so confusing to feel as if something was comfortable because it was familiar and toxic and triggering at the same time.
The realization hit me hardest one day in therapy when I had an epiphany while speaking about the narcissistic ex that continued to evoke feelings of “having no choice” and “being controlled.” Upon further investigation, tears welled up, and I sobbed: “I’m treating myself just like he was treating me!”
I had a toxic version of me inside of me! I just didn’t know it.
This is why my ex was constantly triggering my painful feelings of disempowerment. I grew up with this inner person, and my brain absorbed it all and normalized it. She was a subconscious fragment and not very old. Upon exploring her, I discovered a very wounded little girl, scared and trembling in a dark corner. She needed to be acknowledged, heard and embraced.
What happened in that moment changed my life forever. I, too, had been treating myself poorly—my beliefs about myself, my self-judgment, my failure to listen to myself—it was all there!
I was also reminded not to judge myself for not recognizing it sooner. The toxic, wounded little girl inside was the issue that kept attracting what I didn’t want. Now that I had found her, I needed to be mindful not to be harsh or disappointed in myself. That is what would trigger the cycle all over again.
I breathed through the moment of acceptance, holding onto the beauty of the realization and being present with that wounded part that needed to know I had her back. I still loved her!
Now I notice when I’m being toxic with myself. The voices saying, “I should have known” or “You didn’t do it right” are still there, but I calmly converse with myself, reassuring that it isn’t true. I stood by my commitment to maintain a healthy relationship with myself. That meant refraining from yelling at myself, belittling myself or punishing myself.
My life shifted that day, as did the external world I was in. Toxic people began drifting out of my life or became frustrated with me because there were no longer any “hooks” that aligned with their perceptions of me. My subconscious no longer held the same narrative they had about me. The toxic bond was broken. Letting go was painful, but now I am much happier and healthier.
To this day, I am eternally grateful for that moment. I am pleased to say that I am in a much healthier relationship with myself. My self-love has grown profoundly deeper, and I eagerly anticipate discovering new aspects of myself each day. This is radical self-love!
Developing a loving, conscious relationship with yourself that is not toxic is the most vital relationship you can nurture—setting the stage for all your relationships in your life.
Lisa Hawkins is a coach with 26 years of experience in personal growth and development, psychology and human behavior with an emphasis on relationships, which includes the most important one, with yourself. She helps those who want to have a more fulfilling relationship and life. When one works on one aspect of life that is holding them back, it trickles down to other areas of life. Love is the one thing we all crave at a deep level: We crave our true nature, our self-love, and to express that love to others. Lisa works with men and women to awaken the conscious part of themselves that knows how to love deeply. Find our more at http://www.ConsciouslyAwakeCounseling.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ConsciouslyAwakeCoun/