by Sarah Lane
Truth is often high up on the list of “things” that are important to most people, but what does truth really mean? It’s one of those words that isn’t really real. You can’t go out and buy truth at the store. It’s a feeling, something that has different criteria depending on the person.
What’s true and honest for one person may seem cruel or overly direct to another.
Anyone who has ever been asked by a friend, “How do I look?” will experience the degrees of honesty and truth that are available in the moment. Does saying, “You look great!” when she doesn’t, and then suggesting a jacket on top of the dress, mean that you are being untruthful? Does your pretense that it could get cold—when really you think the jacket is needed to cover the hideous pattern on the dress—mean you’re being dishonest, or are you being considerate of your friend’s feelings? As we can see from this example, honesty and truth are subjective and based on our own beliefs and criteria around what is appropriate in any given circumstance.
Honesty begins at home—inside you.
At a core level, if you’re not honest and truthful with yourself, you could easily be living someone else’s dream—or nightmare. Or, at best, you will be “should-ing” all over yourself—meaning listening to that inner voice that says, “You should go to the gym more,” or “You should be ambitious and become a senior manager by 35.” I’d love to start a campaign to have the word should banished from the English language. To date I’ve not managed to find a sentence that it can be used in that makes me feel good or motivated in any way!
Early influencers have a big impact on what we define as “truth.”
As children we learn by role modelling, by copying those around us. We take in what we see others doing, and we assign meanings that become our truth. What we are told becomes secondary—because seeing is believing. Anyone who had a parent or caregiver who said, “Do as I say, not as I do” will understand this. Chances are you may have listened and obeyed when you were young but—by the time you were able to pick your own path—you most likely did what was done rather than what others said you should do.
As parents, for instance, we might know that it’s good to eat at the table and have a conversation with our children at every meal. We may even tell them that this is true—but if we then do something different, like grabbing breakfast as we run out the door to work or choosing to eat in front of the television after a hard day, then the message (or truth) we are giving is totally different from the words we’ve said. What would you believe and what would you copy if you lived in a home like this?
As a child, I grew up in a Methodist household in West Cornwall, England, where my dad was a telecoms engineer for the General Post Office and mom stayed at home until I went to school, and then she got a part-time job. Neither of my parents ever said to me things such as, “Get a proper job and we’ll be proud,” or “Any illness can be cured without doctors,” or “When you have children make sure you keep working or you’ll lose your identity.” If they had, I probably would have argued the points because they sounded extreme and inflexible.
However, I took on each of these beliefs despite the fact that nobody ever verbalized them. How? I noticed what was happening in the world around me. I was aware of those I loved and people who had a major influence in my life, such as teachers, and what they did. Their truths became my truths.
As humans, we are complex characters. Some of the truths I have accepted have been incredibly helpful and still are today, yet others took me down paths that I really wasn’t well suited to travel. The “get a proper job” inner voice, for example, led me into the world of banking and finance—not somewhere a creative soul really gets to flourish. While I wouldn’t change my experience (sound financial training does help one become a credible businessperson), I may have chosen different time frames and/or qualifications if I had an understanding early in life that I did not have to adopt others’ truths as my own. This, in turn, would have had a positive impact on my career development and my ability to make conscious choices.
Understanding Key Influencers and Meanings
To determine how you developed your personal truths, it’s helpful to explore the key influencers you had growing up and the meanings you assigned to their behaviors. The following exercise will help you to notice whether you are running an old pattern of habitual behavior; allow you to make more conscious choices; and identify beliefs/truths you may want to change.
- List all those people you consider key in your life as a child, e.g. teachers, parents, caregivers, siblings, friends, doctors.
- Consider and write down “truths” or beliefs that came from each person on your list.
- Ask yourself, are these “truths” working for me today? If not, rewrite them.
An alternative approach is to write down a list of items in the format:
- The truth is…
- I believe…
- Do this for key people in your life and see what emerges. Most importantly, find your own truth!
Sarah Lane is an executive and personal career coach, author of Choices (Panoma Press) trainer, facilitator, behavioral change specialist and busy mother of a 2-year old. She has spent the past 20 years working in and with people from all walks of life: from chief executives to charity fundraisers to creative media teams. For more information visit www.coachinglane.com or email sarah@coachinglane.com.