By Howard Peiper
Losing someone or something we love or care deeply about is very painful. We may experience all kinds of difficult emotions, and it may feel like the pain and sadness we’re experiencing will never let up. These are normal reactions to a significant loss. But while there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can renew and permit us to move on.
What is Grief?
Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering we feel when something or someone we love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. We may associate grief with the death of a loved one—which is often the cause of the most intense type of grief—but any loss can cause grief, including:
- Divorce or relationship breakup
- Loss of health
- Loss of a job
- Loss of financial stability
- A miscarriage
- Retirement
- Death of a pet
- Loss of a cherished dream
- A loved one’s serious illness
- Loss of a friendship
- Loss of safety after a trauma
- Selling the family home
The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, we might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling our family home, or retiring from a career we loved.
Everyone Grieves Differently
Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How we grieve depends on many factors, including our personality and coping style, our life experience, our faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever our grief experience, it’s important to be patient with ourselves and allow the process to unfold naturally.
Myths and Facts about Grief
MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
FACT: Trying to ignore our pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face our grief and actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
FACT: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean we are weak. We don’t need to “protect” our family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing our true feelings can help them and us.
MYTH: If we don’t cry, it means we aren’t sorry about the loss.
FACT: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
FACT: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.
The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if we aren’t comfortable talking about our feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when we’re grieving. Sharing our loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help us heal.
Finding Support After a Loss
Turn to friends and family members—Now is the time to lean on the people who care about us, even if we take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what we need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
Draw comfort from your faith – If we follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to us—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If we’re questioning our faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in our religious/spiritual community.
Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when we have loved ones around. Sharing our sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in our area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
Talk to a therapist or grief counselor – If our grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help us work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to our grieving.
When we’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of ourselves. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete our energy and emotional reserves. Looking after our physical and emotional needs will help us get through this difficult time.
Face our feelings. We can try to suppress our grief, but we can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, we have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
Express our feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about our loss in a journal. If we’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things we never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
Look after our physical health. The mind and body are connected. When we feel good physically, we’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift our mood artificially.
Don’t let anyone tell us how to feel, and don’t tell ourselves how to feel either. Our grief is our own, and no one else can tell us when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let ourselves feel whatever we feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when we’re ready.
Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If we’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person we loved.
The thought of doing grief work, of feeling the pain of our past, may seem daunting. However, we come to know that this is the balm that is healing our ruptured soul.
Dr. Howard Peiper is a nationally recognized expert in the holistic counseling field. His healing, health care and natural professional credentials extend over a 30 year period and include those of naturopath, author, lecturer, magazine consultant, radio personality and host of a television show. Howard, nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, has written numerous books on nutrition and natural health including 12 best sellers. He is co-host of the award-winning Television show, Partners in Healing. They feature guests in the alternative healing field including such names as Harvey Diamond, Dr. John Upledger, Dr. Bernard Jensen, Gary Null, and Dr. Marshall Mandell. Visit http://drhowardpeiper.wordpress.com/
Disrupture
By Meg Cassell
I seek for truth but once again,
To satisfy the hunger.
To feel the sun as once and then,
To quiet fears that come with thunder.
The rage can jolt and awaken now
As grief, once dormant, does upwell.
The past seems rotted, carrion, foul.
Feelings again, come forth, unquelled.
My hidden self, this time gives heed
But comes in saprovoric form.
Every crime, betrayal, and misdeed
I must grieve again and forgive the worm.
Cycles of life make way for the new,
Like worms which metamorphose their skin.
Rebirthing self is turbulent, it’s true
But compels true healing from within.
Meg Cassell is an accomplished professional classical musician who loves to write poetry. She regularly uses Twitter as a poetry microblog and can be found @TweetKuPoetry. Her themes generally are about life, love, and the return to our innate wholeness and divinity.