By Dr. ZZ
Question: I am 26 years old and wondering if you can help me. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend for about seven years and, for the past year or so, I have been feeling bored. We used to see each other every day, but it’s gotten to the point of my feeling as if I know everything there is to know about him. I would rather spend time on my own or with friends and see him maybe once a week. Does this mean the relationship is dwindling down? Should I call it quits before dragging it on any longer? How do I really know what this means?
Dr. ZZ: Eighty-five percent of any answer is implicit in the question. As such, the disclosure that you are bored in the relationship speaks volumes. Obviously, you are no longer having fun, and that in itself hints of the final curtain call. Yet, because of your long history, you may not want to throw in the towel too quickly.
Boredom is often a smokescreen that covers up anger. Before you decide to call it quits with your boyfriend, you may want to ask yourself, “If I were angry instead of bored, what would I be angry about?” Then level with your boyfriend, and tell him what you have shared here about not wanting to spend as much time with him as you used to. If the two of you can address and clear the air on any deeper, underlying emotional issues you may be harboring, a whole new sense of renewed energy may be awaiting discovery beneath.
Whatever we hide or cover up festers, particularly if we hide it from ourselves. Search deeply to see if there is something behind the “dwindling down” you describe, which you may be avoiding in an attempt to remain pleasant. If you have been compromising your own sense of control by minimizing any critical feelings you have, you may be the last one to want to admit it.
Another one of my favorite adages is, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” It’s up to you to be as honest with yourself about yourself as you have been in your question about the relationship. Try anger on for size and see how it fits; tell your boyfriend about your feelings, and ask him how he feels. Perhaps the two of you can come up with a possible next step that will serve each of you and the relationship. If that doesn’t make a dent in the boredom you’re feeling, you may indeed want to look elsewhere to fuel your passion. Feel everything and rejoice!
Question: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year. He is divorced from a 20-year marriage that went horribly awry. He lost absolutely everything and gets to see his kids only twice a year because they live on the West Coast. I recently moved in with him, and we’re having quite a time of adjusting. Among other things, the house we live in is “his cave” and he’s acting territorial. Sometimes he says he’s not even sure he wants to be in a relationship. He says he’s “like a pilot light that never goes out,” meaning he’s still a 20-year-old party boy. Then he cries, changes his mind, and asks me not to leave. I don’t know if he’s truly conflicted, or if he is just holding on to me until somebody better comes along. I’m also not sure if we are compatible. Please help. I think we genuinely love each other, and we both want to make it work. We just have a few hurdles in front of us, and I’m not ready to give up. Thank you!
Dr. ZZ: You may “genuinely love each other,” but your instincts and his behavior seem to be shouting that he is not able to commit. While the two of you may or may not be compatible, you and he also seem ill-prepared to be in an exclusive committed relationship nor to take on all the responsibility that comes with such a decision.
Recovering from divorce requires a process of grieving and mourning. Each person has to find their way through it in order to accept the new reality of being single after partnership. Grieving and mourning takes time, and it is preferably accomplished alone. Without knowing the specifics of your boyfriend’s situation, it seems fair to imagine that his confusion may stem from his not having completed a thorough grieving and mourning process. If he had spent sufficient time alone after his divorce, he would have learned how to tolerate being alone now. That would help him gain a better understanding of his needs, wants and requirements in a new relationship.
If his behavior is acceptable to you, and if the benefits you receive far outweigh the costs, then it’s your choice to stay. If not, you may want to give him the space to figure himself out. Encourage him to find a support group, to go to individual psychotherapy or counseling, or even to contact me via email to explore the matter further. By being “alone,” he doesn’t have to go into a cave and avoid interpersonal contact. He does, however, need to complete his grieving and mourning in order to take practiced next steps toward developing a new relationship.
Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition, syndrome or ailment. Send queries or comments to askDrZZ@yahoo.com. All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.
Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters.