By Rebecca Edwards
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
I found hope in the darkest hour of my life. There I was, a person with a severely wounded inner child who grew into a self-absorbed, fearful adult with many unresolved issues and character defects including addiction, co-dependency and—the ultimate soul stealer—believing I was a victim of life’s unfair circumstances.
I was completely lost and, like many others on the path to spiritual awakening, this state of desperate existence was the prerequisite for ultimately surrendering and beginning the journey toward “NOW,” that place where an ethereal fusion of intention and desire allow the true Self to find love, forgiveness and unity within the body and the world surrounding it. As a result of arriving at this amazing moment in time, I obtained a deeper sense of spiritual maturity and faith. Gratitude has transformed my expectations, allowing my soul to be of true benefit to myself and others as I crawl, walk, run and eventually fly with the intention of effortlessly and peacefully soaring with complete consciousness of the present moment.
The Journey
We each have a story to tell about how we came to be who we are today. Along the various stages of my journey there were life altering, extremely painful and unfavorable experiences. At the young age of six, I was sexually abused by a step father and emotionally abandoned by my mother. The abuse lasted for years as my cries for help were silenced. The trauma of abuse stole my innocence and severely damaged my soul. Those experiences left scars. As my earth body grew, my mind struggled to make sense of my life. Survival was based on the limited knowledge of my current state of mind and coping mechanisms learned from the adults in my life, who wore blinders to escape the ugly truth of abuse, addiction and complete dysfunction. I developed emotional training wheels that somehow kept me moving forward regardless of my past and of the consequences of the choices I was making. I did the very best I could with the information I gathered from the toxic environment of my youth, but ultimately it brought me to my knees at age of 39.
Just over two years ago, I bottomed out. Years of shame, guilt, depression, confusion and rage had taken over my world. I had lost my way in life. I felt that my soul had been broken into pieces while I was lying in a puddle of tears on the floor begging for help from some higher power to bring about a change. I was stuck on all levels: emotionally, physically and spiritually. I was desperate for knowledge I did not have, yet. That desperation was the turning point. With it came the humility that brought me to complete exhaustion and surrender.
What I thought was the end of my life became a miracle. My lifeless energy shifted and a warm presence consumed the cold loneliness in my heart. My call for help was followed by the whisper of a calm voice clearly stating, “A new beginning is available on the journey of seeking knowledge.” My desperate and erratic inner being paused in the gentleness of the moment. The same calm voice spoke again but this time the voice was not a whisper because I was choosing to listen. It said: “You can no longer live a restless and wandering lifestyle with your ego at large or you will die.”
The Vision
I was presented with a vision of what life could be like if I embraced change. I would have to let go of the rope that was dragging me through the murky waters of my life because, in the world where I was living, I was drowning. “Let go,” the voice repeated until I did just that, LET GO.
Then the voice said this:
“You are not to accept blame for what happened to you as a young girl who was scared and alone. Do not be ashamed of who you are. You are a child of GOD. Embracing who you were creates who you are. You no longer need to focus on lack. The knowledge and the necessary life saving skills to cope, communicate, heal and process your own life experiences are inside of you. You have unlimited access to healing information that will feed your soul as you grow in faith. You have the opportunity serve GOD. You will experience true love of yourself and others. First you must forgive. Forgiveness must genuinely begin in the heart of one’s self before it can be graciously given to others. It really is that simple.”
However, simple does not mean results come without effort. I understood that if I wanted a new life I would have to work really hard. I also would have to live in the moment, just that moment. I had to go at my own pace and not get lost in the anxieties of tomorrow or the sorrows of yesterday. Each day that I chose to surrender my will under the guidance of a 12-Step program, I became more willing to float with the currents of my life repeating, “Just for today” over and over and over. I realized that applying my past experiences to my current situation kept me in bondage of the past. I had to learn how to live each day in acceptance.
Experiencing GOD-Incidences
Eventually the hard work began to produce small miracles and interesting coincidences that I now call GOD-incidences. I could not see them in the beginning, but I did feel different from that fateful spring day that I asked for help. Whatever I needed came to me effortlessly when I focused on the good in my life instead of what I was lacking. Through my guided daily discipline and a fresh perspective about my life, I began to soften and change. I began to live life on life’s terms. My new world was full of unfamiliar feelings that I ignored for years. Often those feelings were so intense that they took my breath away. I was taught to breathe deeply and stand still for the first time in my life. Fear began to slip away, and when it resurfaced I would breathe in GOD and exhale fear in a soft poetic rhythm until is passed.
As life became less of a struggle, each day became an awakening instead of an escape. I began to feel joy, inner peace and serenity. I no longer felt the need to run from myself and hide from my shadow. I knew I was becoming my authentic self and leaving behind the facade of a person others thought I should be. “To Thine Own Self Be True,” a statement by Polonius in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, was one of the many medicinal daily mantras I clung to during the transformational process.
I came to rely on my own understanding of GOD as the master craftsman. I had a new custom tool box that was limitless, timeless and never became too heavy, even with its vast array of spiritual and tangible tools. The most valuable tool is a new way to ask for help from my peers, who understand what it takes to live a sober happy life. I also became more tolerant and accepting of others. I began to comprehend the joys of living.
I now understand that if I am truly living in love there is no room for fear in my heart. It is a choice. As a result of putting that past to rest, I can look in the mirror and smile back at the face that was once a mortal enemy. I have fallen in love with the authentic me. And I understand, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you into something else is a great accomplishment.”
I have rescued my inner child and myself from a dark energy that tried its best to hold us hostage. Together, we enjoy our lives as one. Now, as an adult, I am safely reliving my childhood with my two daughters who continually keep me young, loving unconditionally and growing inward and outward in the only thing that is certain, the gift of now. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Rebecca Edwards consciously connects to her life through meditation, writing, speaking, reading, music, movies and working with her peers. She has just begun the journey of fulfilling her lifelong dream of writing and speaking out for those who have struggled with abuse and addiction by sharing how she overcame life’s greatest challenges. Sobriety has inspired unlimited creativity, bringing her goals within reach. Rebecca lives in Sarasota with her two loving muses, her daughters. Contact her via email at RLA192518@yahoo.com.