By Dr. ZZ
Question: I have been going out with the same girl for several years now. We have rarely lived in the same city for any length of time so I only see her on weekends. The problem is that, starting about a year after we had been going out, she has been playing around behind my back. She says the reason for doing it is that we aren’t “together” and blames the long distance relationship for going on too long. I agree it has been too long. I plan to finish work soon so I can move to the same city where she is and be with her full-time. The only problem is that there are still many things I am not happy with.
Often when we are together she plays flirting, touchy-feely games with other men right in front of me. Usually I find out that she had in fact been playing around with these guys behind my back. When that happens, I feel humiliated and pathetic. I have mentioned to her how degrading that behavior is for me, but she laughs and says that I am too sensitive. I know she often tells these guys that she doesn’t have a boyfriend; this also hurts me. Another annoying habit is that, when I give her money or help her in other ways, she tells people it is her money, or that she did all herself.
There is also the issue of photos of guys she keeps and refuses to destroy. I am getting tired of the “secret emails” and phone calls from men I have never heard of. I can tell by the change in the tone of her voice into a sexy seductive tone when these guys call her that something may have happened between them. We have split up many times because of these issues, but I keep begging her to take me back. During some of the breaks, I have also done some stupid things. I don’t know if it was revenge or just because I was angry. When we are together, we seem to get along well, but now all my pent up anger is starting to show. I feel so stupid for helping her all this time when it seems as if I was just an asset to be used at will and then put away until required again.
The good news is that it appears she is starting to grow up, and I see some positive changes. She has clearly been very unhappy with some aspects of our relationship, but of course she has been happy with all the financial support I have given her. I know there are always two sides to every story, and I have many faults too. There are so many good things about her it would take me hours to mention them, but it is the bad things that scare me. Maybe I am scared that no one else would have me.
I am very confused; my self-esteem is nonexistent, and I don’t want to walk away now just when she seems to be settling down. Should we “take time off” and wait until I finish work so I can be with her full-time? Or should we battle on, knowing that while we aren’t actually together she could be playing around? Signed, very screwed up.
Dr. ZZ: Instead of thinking of yourself as being in a relation “ship,” you may want to come to the realization that you are in a relation “dinghy.” Unlike a ship, a dinghy is not built for deep-water navigation. Rather, it is a small open boat, like rowboat, that you work your butt off to keep afloat without getting much of anywhere. The motto in struggling to row a relation dinghy is, “I will not let go of something that doesn’t work, and it feels as if I can’t let go because it might work.” Write it down, tack it to your wall, pin it to your T-shirt and memorize it. This is also the working definition of codependency.
Tomorrow is not just another day with this girl. She is signaling you as blatantly as she can (without being direct and speaking her truth) that either she is pathologically afraid of commitment, or else she wants to split; the relationship has been going on for too long. Either way, the dinghy has sprung leaks, and it is sinking. Your low self-esteem is fueling her abuse; and her abuse is fueling your low self-esteem. There’s no way out but to leave. To maintain any modicum of self-respect, you have to abandon the empty dream that things may change and swim away as fast as you can. Don’t worry about what you “should have,” “could have,” “would have” done differently. Tell her it’s over, walk away and keep your dignity intact.
Please do not think that you are undeserving of more than this girl’s cruelty to enjoy, desire, discover, encounter, and learn from in life. Allowing yourself to be mistreated is not loving behavior. Rather than hope to find love in the depths of despair you feel when in conflict with another person, aim instead for finding it in happiness. When you do, it will not hurt; and you’re not going to find it with this girl. So get a move on and stop trying to make something happen that’s not happening. You deserve better. Believe me.
Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition or ailment. Send queries or comments to askDrZZ@yahoo.com. All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.
Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters.