that I have no one to turn to for fun and to de-stress. I have tried everything to get my husband to understand that I am having a revolting emotional roller coaster ride, and that I have to lean on him temporarily. I miss my family and wish his would be different and not alienate me at my time of need. Thank you for any advice you can offer.
Dr. ZZ: You don’t have to be in a foreign county to feel like a stranger. Cultural differences take place from household to household in almost every locale of the world. Even if your in-laws were of your own nationality and were living next door to you in your home country, there is no guarantee that they or your husband would be any more supportive than the in-laws and husband you have here. It is a waste of energy to fret about things that could be and aren’t. As miserable as you may feel, you serve yourself best when you focus attention on the results you need in order to make your life enjoyable.
From the sound of it, you can use some quality female companionship. Getting to know other mothers with whom you can compare notes would do you a world of good. Perhaps you can meet some other young moms at events and activities involving your firstborn. Daycare and nursery school programs, a likely place to start, may be able to point you in the direction of other pregnant women. With my email reply, I will send you the name and contact info of a young mother in the area whose firstborn is only five months old. I have chatted with her by email, and she is eager to be of assistance. Your mission is to remain open and receptive to your husband’s and in-laws’ support if they give it and to also be willing to stand on your own two feet and handle it if they don’t.
Question: As a 55-year-old divorcee, I have met and fallen in love with a 62-year old man. He is not in the best of health, and his erections have now disappeared. After an almost sexless marriage, I was delighted that he and I could make love as we did at first. Now I’m sad that it’s no longer possible. He has asked me to touch him, but I’m too embarrassed. Is he saying this because he knows I miss sex?
Dr. ZZ: Many men in this situation long to be touched, held, fondled, and embraced. Your partner obviously doesn’t want to lose the special, intimate connection the two of you share. You have lost only one way of showing each other love, not the love itself. Chances are he would be delighted to see and have you still enjoy sex. Trust him to help you discover how.
Question: My mother was widowed a number of years ago, and after a few years on her own, she now has a wonderful, caring husband who does more than his share around the house. He is, in many respects a model partner, and he has been good for her in more ways than I can list. The problem is, she nags and ridicules him in front of anyone who will listen. It pains me to see what’s happening between the two of them, and I am concerned that my 13-year-old daughter is often within ears’ range. Her father and I have always made a point of treating each other with respect. Why else bother to have a mate if all you’re going to do is make them into an enemy? I’m worried that my daughter will be “warped” by seeing her Grandma treat her husband so badly. What do you suggest I do?
Dr. ZZ: Make no mistake, your mother’s behavior is inappropriate; and chances are it has a pronounced effect on you because, after all, she is your mom. Generally speaking, however, it best to stay out of other couple’s interactions unless someone is in physical danger. On the positive side, you can use this experience when it comes up to explore important issues with your daughter. You don’t need to condemn your mother, but you also don’t need to let her behavior go without comment. After the next family get-together, make certain to tell your daughter how uncomfortable her Grandma’s put-downs make you feel. Tell her how everyone, including you, is sad about the way she treats this well-meaning man. You can even say something like, “Most grown-ups don’t belittle their mates like that,” or “I know when you’re married you won’t air your problems in front of other people like Grandma does. It isn’t right.” This way, you will reinforce the idea that this kind of mistreatment isn’t the norm, while driving home the point that Grandma’s behavior is as unacceptable as it is upsetting.
Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works in Sarasota with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith, community-based spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters. For more, see www.shaman.mosaicglobe.com.
Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition or ailment. Send queries or comments to askDrZZ@yahoo.com. All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.