The Anatomy of Attachment

In the beginning…childhood attachment styles set the stage for the development of long-term relationship patterns.

By Lotus Josiah Seng

The security of a commitment along with healthy attachment create positive inner work models of self and others based on both clients’ own internal functioning and the outside world—models without significant distortions. Unsafe attachment leads to dysfunctional coping strategies, limited ability to mentalize and problematic relational functioning. Neurobiological research shows the importance of early attachment experiences for the development of the brain structure, and in the coaching relationship these early relationship patterns are reactivated and influential.

The extent to which the coach and the client create a relationship with attachment can impact how positive the outcome of the coaching objectives will be. This is significant because the bonding in the relationship forms the basis for the transformation. For people with complex trauma or challenges, the process of attachment serves as actual therapy, and this process works the same way when coaching relationships are created. Therefore, the pressure in recent years for coaches to work short-term and problem-oriented—which has increased sharply since 2010—is not a constructive development.

For this three-part series, we will look at relationships and attachment styles of children and adults in parts one and two and then translate them to the coach-client relationship in part three. My goal is to explore the aspects of the client-coach relationship in connection with healthy boundaries, and also to look at how codependency issues form in a relationship and how to avoid having complaints filed against you as coach when a coach-client relationship is perceived as unsafe.

Attachment is a biological driving force that is as important as the sucking reflex in newborns. Today, about 70 percent of the population is securely attached, and 30 percent is insecurly attached, and these percentages reflect transcultural studies. When we consider the compelling laws of nature, the bottom line is that parents are either loving or abusive.

The first researcher to distinguish between safe and unsafe attachment was John Bowlby (1969), and his evolutionary theory of attachment, which is supported by a large body of neurobiological research, suggests that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others to help them survive. Attachment experiences also are the basis for later psychic functioning. These experiences lead to the creation of “inner work models” that the child uses to anticipate and come into contact with the outside world. The inner work models or mental representations determine how the “self” is perceived in relation to others. Is it self-competent and abstaining? Are others available and safe—or not?

The primary care environment is therefore crucial for the development of social-emotional functioning and the centrally important ability to regulate emotions. Without the stimulation of a safely experienced other, the development of a child’s brain functions and structures stagnates in the area of affect regulation, as well as in observation and memory.

Abused or neglected children are chronically emotionally disregarded, and they exhibit increased anxiety or apathy. Their social interactions are characterized by over or lower aggression and by distorted impulse regulation. Attention and concentration are problematic, and cognitive functions are affected. Thus, development takes place both at the level of the brain and on the level of emotional consciousness and the meaning given to experiences.

Safety is provided by “containment” of negative emotions that the child can not regulate independently and the stimulation of fun and positive emotions. Parents who are sensitive to the child’s condition validate his or her feelings. This is essential for trust in the accessibility and availability of the attachment figures and to develop confidence in themselves because their own behavior is experienced as effective. The child learns to rely on his own perception and develops the ability to regulate his affections.

Emotions are the immune system of the mind. Positive or negative emotions warn us if a situation is safe or unsafe: Can I get closer or should I guard myself? It is important that this immune system works well. Otherwise, it will impact a person’s ability to function as a healthy human being.

Emotion is a state of feeling. It takes place in our body; it’s an autonomous reaction we don’t control. Emotions are not registered on a conscious level, while our behavior is determined by our emotions. Emotions can be recognized by others through our facial expressions before we are even cognizant of them. The awareness of an emotion is only established it is translated into a feeling, recognized and correlated at a higher level of consciousness.For example, we can feel angry and convert it directly into action, but we also can perceive anger in ourselves and convert the feeling into words.

Attachment in Children

There are four different basic patterns of attachment in children, which first appeared in 1978 in the so-called “strange situation test” (Ainsworth and others). The reactions of toddlers were looked at during a brief separation and reunification with their mother or caretaker in a standardized situation. The anxiety-controlling behavior of the children was registered, with the main focus of reunification with the mother. Could the child reunite and then focus attention on the environment again? It was about the child’s search between distance and proximity in relation to the mother.

The basic patterns observed are the secure attachment, the anxious avoiding attachment and the anxious ambivalent attachment. In a later study, a fourth basic pattern was added: the disorganized attachment.

1. Safely (secure) attached children seek consolation and support with their mother to then revert to self-exploration behavior. In this case, the mother reacts sensitively to the child’s stress signals and gives adequate care and attention. In other words, the children are able to elicit adequate responses from the mother, which makes their own behavior as effective as possible.

2. Anxiously avoiding children do not seek comfort and support with the mother and continue to focus on their environment. They behave as if they were not affected by separation and, thus, seemingly are undisturbed by their (uncontrolled) exploration behavior. The attachment behavior is deactivated. These children are often labeled as “easy-going.” However, it is remarkable that their physiological levels of stress, such as an accelerated heart rate and a high cortisol level, differ as much as in the case of toddlers who are openly deregulated or neglected. These children have learned early to suppress expressions of emotional dependence and deprivation to protect themselves from the pain from rejection by unavailable parents.

3. Anxiously ambivalent attached toddlers show a high level of disorder. They remain clinging to their mother after reunification, but they are angry and difficult to console. They remain untouched for a long time at the expense of their attention for and exploration of the environment. The attachment system is actually out of control. These children are accustomed to the unresponsiveness of their parents, who are inconsistently available. Exaggeration of emotions gives these children the best response to get attention they are craving.

Iki Freud has described this interaction in her book Men and Mothers. The mother, on one hand, submits to the child’s need for consolation, but on the other hand remains angry with him. That anger causes the child so much fear that he has more need for comfort. This is a typical example of anxious ambivalent attachment.

4. Disorganized attached children exhibit stressful and chaotic behavior by varying different coping strategies. The bizarre and frightening behavior of the parental figures shows the child an insoluble conflict because they are at the same time the cause of fear and the source of consolation. These children are hyper-alert to the behavior of the mother and extremely sensitive to her mental state while their own inner world remains untimely and broken

Stay tuned: Next month we will look at the evolution of adult attachment styles and how the child and adult styles interact and impact each other.

Lotus Josiah Seng, MA., Ph.D., is a Certified Change Management Professional; Certified and Associated IWCA Master Coach; Master Expert NLP; Certified Expert Lean Management Practitioner; CSSB. She is the owner of ETSbyLotus, LLC, a coaching, mediation and consulting firm with offices in Washington, D.C., Maryland, Virginia and New York. Currently, nine coaches are affiliated with the firm. Lotus has developed two 15-step methodologies 1) “The Mecca of Your Mind©”; and 2) “Mapping. Your. Future.©” for personal growth, career development and improving relationships. Both are infused with the concepts of utilizing the strengths of the left and right side of the brain. Lotus and her team work as a coaches and mediators with couples, siblings, families and executives to foster personal growth, improving relationships, and all aspects of communication. For more information email: lotus@etsbylotus.com or follow Lotus on Twitter at EtsbyLotus or Instagram at Sheswalkingwithwings.

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