The Best Gift You Can Give Your Sweetheart

By Tracey Ashcraft

As Valentine’s Day approaches, many of us experience anxiety around finding the perfect gift for our beloved. Scouring store shelves to find just the right card or gift, we encounter items that seem lackluster and clichéd. We end up buying something they don’t need, hoping it will not end up buried in the back of the closet or deep in a drawer with the tags still attached. Does this sound familiar? If yes, then maybe this year is the time to consider giving a gift from the heart—one that will keep on giving long after the flowers wilt and the chocolates are gone.

What if there was a way to truly know our partners and help them to feel deeply loved—not just on Valentine’s Day—but on each and every day? There is, and it’s called Authentic Listening!

“Listening?” You might think, “I already listen to my honey.” However, Authentic Listening is a learned skill. It is not listening for a break in the conversation so you can jump in and share your latest anecdote about the guy you saw wearing snorkeling gear and flippers at the grocery store. It is not hearing a complaint and responding with your 19-point defense. True listening is not nodding your head and mumbling “uh-huh” while scrolling through your facebook newsfeed on the phone.

Authentic Listening offers our loved ones a chance to be heard. Having someone intently focus on what we are saying—to understand what is being conveyed—makes us feel loved. And truly listening deepens connections. As humans we feel more connected to people who understand us—even if they do not always agree with us.

Listening saves time and pain. When we take a few extra minutes to hear what people are saying, we gather more correct data points. Instead of half-listening and hearing part of what is said, we hear the grocery list, the directions to the party, or the warning that the stove is still hot.

So how does Authentic Listening work? Here are some steps to listening based on the work of Harville Hendrix, the creator of The Couple’s Dialogue and the Imago Method.

  • Create an environment free of distractions.
  • Invite your partner to share thoughts with you. Let him know you are trying a new way to listen. Let her know you will be reflecting back what you heard. Ask to keep the dialogue manageable.
  • Focus only on what your partner is saying and the feelings he is conveying.
  • When she is finished, repeat back what you heard said. It is ok to paraphrase, but this is not the time to interpret what you heard.
  • After paraphrasing what you heard, ask “Did I get that right?”
  • This is where your partner has a chance to clarify if you did not get it quite right.
  • Listen again and then paraphrase what you heard. Repeat these steps until your partner lets you know you got it right.
  • Validate what he is saying even if you do not agree with what has been said. This step can be challenging, but it is part of the gift of listening. One way to show validation is to use phrases such as, “That makes sense to me as you say____.”
  • Offer statements of understanding and empathy. An example of a way to communicate empathy is, “I can imagine that _______ was ______ for you.”

If your partner is feels heard, he or she may be willing to switch and be the listener at this point.

It is important to be aware that you may have strong feelings come up while your partner is talking. Mentally set those feelings aside and bring your awareness back to what is being said. You will be able to express your feelings when it is your turn to be the sender. Remember, listening is a gift for your partner; it is not about you when you are on the receiving end.

Giving the gift of Authentic Listening does not mean your darling will never want a token of your love on a holiday such as Valentine’s Day. However, listening does help us to be more on target with understanding other gifts our partners would appreciate. For example, you might have decided on the King Kong-sized box of chocolate covered caramels to show your love on Valentine’s Day, but after listening to your partner you learn that he decided to give up sugar this year and that he dislikes chewy foods that get stuck in his teeth. You also learn that he feels most loved when he receives personalized handmade gifts.

Listening is like having an owner’s manual to your loved one’s taste and desires—and helping your partner feel deeply loved and understood beats heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and overpriced roses any day.

Tracey Ashcraft, MA, LPC, is an accomplished Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Life Purpose Coach and the Founder of Best Life Therapy, where she has been transforming lives since 2004. She specializes in helping adults, couples and college students cope with emotionally intense people. She brings her sense of humor and direct, down-to-earth style that helps clients get to the truth quickly. For more information visit www.bestlifetherapy.com.

 

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