By Tracey Ashcraft
“It’s never too late to restart your day!”
Not too long ago, I saw this slogan on a decorative sign in a home goods store. At first it annoyed me; it sounded like another piece of fluffy, impossible-to-follow advice dished out by a marketing company to make a buck. Then I gave it a second thought. I have had days when an interaction with someone goes sour or I get disappointing news, and then it instantly seems like the whole day—and even the rest of my life—is going to be ruined. As I stood in the aisle pondering the sign, I realized that when I end up in situations like this somehow I always seem to notice a beautiful bird singing in a tree or a kid giggling uncontrollably in a nearby yard. It immediately changes my mood, and I know in my heart that my life doesn’t have to plummet into the “abyss” just because the previous moments were emotionally upsetting and unpleasant. I can reboot!
Our negative thoughts often spiral out of control across the board when we have a disagreeable encounter with someone or something. For example, a big fight with a spouse or an air conditioner that goes out on the hottest day in August results in an overall state of mind that tells us: “Everyone and everything is ‘out to get me’ and ruin my life.” I call this “kitchen sink” brooding. When one thing goes wrong, we throw it into a proverbial pot with all the other things we can think of that we are unhappy about—including the kitchen sink. Before we know it, we are in despair, a victim of life and all of its injustices.
When we find ourselves in situations like this, the best advice is to focus on the here and now.
Then imagine you are like a computer that can shutdown and reboot by simply clicking the “restart” button. Next, follow the tips below for a better day:
1. When something upsets you, feel it. Things will upset you. You will get hurt, angry and disappointed. Recognize when it is happening and have patience with yourself and others. Buddhist teachings tell us that anger is one of the primary causes of “suffering” in our lives, and “patience is the antidote to all anger.”
2. Notice your thoughts about an upsetting event. Tune your attention to what you are thinking and ask yourself, “Are you kitchen sink brooding?” Recognizing that your thoughts are spiraling out of control is the first step toward stopping them in their tracks.
3. Take no action when angry or upset. Do not act on the negative thoughts you are having. Just notice them like you are watching a scene from train window as you travel from destination to destination. You recognize and see the negative thoughts, and then they pass by like trees or buildings alongside the tracks.
4. Notice what you are feeling. Allow time to process and express the disappointment in a safe environment. Give yourself five to 10 minutes to feel and express your reaction to the upsetting event and your thoughts about the event. It’s fine to verbalize your emotions to yourself. You might want to cry or talk out loud. I often find a releasing a “primal scream” in the car to be very therapeutic.
5. Decide to have a “good” rest of the day. Making this decision may seem hard in the moment, but do it anyway. You can choose to be in despair or you can choose to have a good day. It’s all a matter of perspective in your mind.
6. Notice the moment. Observe your surroundings. What do you hear? What do you see? In the moment are you safe, do you have caring friends or family, do you have a place to live and food to eat, do you have a pet that loves you unconditionally? Make a mental or even written “gratitude list” for what you have right now in your life that is positive, even the small things. Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves of our blessings to put life into a positive mental framework.
7. Reboot your thinking. After you have spent time contemplating your negative thoughts, you can consciously choose to think more positive thoughts. Can you laugh at yourself? Is there something near you that you can smile about? Maybe it’s a pet, or a friend, or a funny joke you heard recently. When you smile and laugh, even if it’s faked, you will start releasing chemicals in your body that actually will induce happiness.
8. Choose to be happy. Once you reboot your day, continue to focus on the positive and stay in the “NOW.” The upsetting event is history and you have the choice to regard it as a learning lesson. This attitude will keep you out of “victim mode” and empower you to take charge of your emotions and life. Remember, happiness is an inside job!
The way we feel in any given moment is up to us. Blaming a bad mood on someone else on a situation is a waste of time. I know; I have tried and it doesn’t work. What makes us feel better is bringing our thoughts into the present moment and understanding that our happiness is not dependent on external factors. Rather, it is dependent on our state of mind—and that is in our control. Try it. What’s the worst that can happen? You might just have a better day!
Tracey Ashcraft, M.A., L.P.C., is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Coach. She specializes in helping adults and college students cope with emotionally intense people. With a Master’s Degree in Counseling, Tracey has been helping people heal from toxic relationships for more than 10 years. She brings her sense of humor and a tell-it-like-it-is style that helps people get to the truth quickly. Sessions are offered in Boulder, CO, and via phone or video chat. For more information visit www.bestlifetherapy.com.