by Joeel A. Rivera, M.Ed.
Creating a vision is one of the most powerful things that you can do for yourself and for your relationship. Whether you look at it from a psychological perspective, spiritual perspective, or both, clarifying your intention will create a pathway to you achieving what you want, even if you currently feel far from that reality.
From a psychological perspective, focusing on your vision for your life activates a command center in your brain called the reticular activating system (RAS). The function of this system is to tell your brain what to look for in your environment—it’s a focusing mechanism. You see, we are constantly been inundated by information to our senses—about 1 million bits of information. However, we only have the capabilities to experience, become aware of, process, and understand a very limited amount of that information—about 2 thousand bits. And what determines what gets noticed? Our focus.
Our brain will only look for those things that we are asking it to focus on.
For example, have you ever bought a new car and all of a sudden start seeing the same make and model all over the place? They were always there, but you barely noticed because it was not high on your unconscious mind’s priority list. Or, have you ever tried to recall the name of a movie, person, song, etc. but it got stuck on the tip of your tongue and wouldn’t come out? But then, a couple of hours later you are doing something else and out of nowhere you remember it. So, why is it you finally remembered it long after you stopped thinking about it? Because you gave your brain a command and your unconscious mind continued to look for it even after your conscious mind was distracted with something else.
You see, you get what you focus on. For most people, this is a bad thing because most of the time they are focusing on what they DON’T want—which of course is what they are then programming their unconscious mind to look for and ultimately create.
If you want better communication and choose to focus on the positive outcomes that good communication will bring, it will improve. If you want more intimacy and you focus on what you are doing to create it, and anticipating the increase of tender moments, you will watch it develop. But, what happens if you choose to only notice and acknowledge the negative aspects of what your partner does, without acknowledging the positives? You guessed it; your mind will keep searching for more things to be wrong, your feedback will discourage your partner, and it will only get worse.
This happens in all types of relationships, including with children. I use to work with school systems with groups of “problem children”. In a short time, the children were listening, being respectful, and cooperating in their classes. The teachers and administrators would ask me what magic I used to make them change their behavior. The honest truth was that all I did was create a positive vision of them in my mind and then helped them see that vision of themselves. I helped the children change by only using positive reinforcement and focusing on the behaviors that I wanted instead of the ones I didn’t. I would praise them, give them high fives, tell them how good of a listener they were and how smart they were—I pointed out what they did right. Children hear 30 negatives to each positive growing up, and we wonder why they misbehave. The same things goes for any of our relationships—and anything in life for that matter. It all comes down to what we focus on.
At an energetic level, many believe that we attract things into our life by what we focus on somewhat like a magnet attracting those things in our life. Whatever way you look at it, it’s all the same thing. Your ability to focus on the vision you want for your life is a vital factor to success in your relationships and in your life. Below, I provide an effective process for writing or creating a vision. You can use this to create one for both your relationship and for the bigger picture of your life.
The 4 P Vision Formula
You can include as many aspects of your life as you can want in your vision—the more the better. For each area, write a statement describing what your ideal life would look like. Use the following guidelines to add power to your intention. For a relationship vision, think of as many aspects of your life together as possible and describe what your ideal relationship would look like. Have your partner do the same. Then, share your visions (both of your life and your relationship) and highlight the areas you have in common. You can then rewrite a combined vision that expresses the unity of your vision for your relationship.
Positive:
As I mentioned before, you want to make sure that the vision is focused on the positive. Use positive statements. For example, you would not say: “We no longer fight or have arguments”, instead you could say something like “We communicate in a loving, caring way.”
Personal:
As you write your vision use “we” and “I” statements. I know this sounds simple, but sometimes people miss this small detail that can be so powerful. By saying “I” you are taking ownership of your decision to live your vision, regardless of anyone else.
Present:
Write the vision as if it is a reality, not as if it is something that you wish would happen in the future. Rather than “in a year, my partner and I will be traveling more often”, instead try “We are enjoying traveling often.” The reason that you would write in present tense is because your unconscious mind will recognize that it is not your current reality and will look for ways to make it a reality.
Passionate:
When you write your vision, write it with passion and excitement. Do not set limitations on yourself by thinking small and writing things that you would settle for rather than what you truly desire. Do you want your life and relationship to be extraordinary? If you do, write the vision in that manner. Your vision should make you smile just by reading it.
The word “vision” contains within it the most important aspect of this process. You have to SEE it. Visualize your vision in your mind. See every detail. Imagine what it is like to be currently experiencing the life you desire. Feel it as vividly as you can—with your mind, body, emotions. You see, the brain doesn’t know the difference between that which is imagined and that which is happening in “real” life. That’s why if you imagine biting into a juicy lime (go ahead, do it now), your mouth will salivate.
One powerful way to program your unconscious mind, your RAS, and attract the things and situations into your life, is to create a visual representation of your vision. You can create a “vision board”, in which you cut out photos, magazine clippings, words, or other symbols that capture the feeling and intention of what you want, and place them all together on a bulletin board or poster. You can place photos, items, or affirmation notes around your house where you can see them that remind you to remain focused on what you want. You can even physically go places or do things that capture the feeling of what you desire—making it more real. For example, if you want to feel abundant driving a fancy car, go test drive one. If you want a loving relationship, go to the mall and observe couples interacting, taking particular notice of the ones who are being loving toward one another and feel as if it’s happening to you.
If you go there in your mind, you will go there in your life.
Joeel A Rivera, M.Ed. is a counselor and life coach specializing in relationships and entrepreneurship. Joeel is a Motivational Speaker, presenting topics such as Enlightened Relationships, Personal Transformation, and Entrepreneurship. Joeel received a Master’s Degree in Education and Counseling and is currently finishing his dissertation for his Ph.D. in Psychology, with a focus on human happiness and what drives us to achieve our fullest potential. Connect with Joeel at www.transformationservices.org.