By Laurel Rund
Unbelievable as it seems to me, it is coming up on five years since my husband passed away. I loved my husband for 44 years (notwithstanding all the ups and downs of most marriages.) Every year, from January 26th until February 19th, I go into a Bermuda Triangle of memories and emotions—his birthday, the day of his death and our anniversary fall on these dates. You would think that grief would have loosened its hold on me, but these meaningful dates still affect me.
Today I am once again blessed to be in a committed and loving relationship with a wonderful man who has graced my life in many unexpected ways.
Mature relationships are so different from the ones we had when we were young and always “looking forward.” Now things are different. I have the perspective of time and the experience of loss, which has taught me to be grateful for what is here right now in the present moment. My new life partner and I understand and appreciate that we bring our own life history into the mix of “us,” which enriches the bonds between us.
This brings me to the angst that has been the Yin and Yang of my heart. I was worried that the love I hold for my husband in my heart would somehow be lessened or lost because of my newfound love. I wondered if I could love two men, quite differently, in a balanced and peaceful way alongside each other?
“Yin and yang are two sides of dualism. It is the tail and the head of a coin. The tail is yin, and then the head is yang. They exist alongside one another. The head cannot exist without the tail, and the tail cannot exist without the head. The earth we live on is yin, and the sun that brings us warmth is yang. Sadness is yin, while joyfulness is yang.” (Tao-In-You.com)
I shared with a friend, who was widowed after 60-plus years of marriage, what I was struggling with. She looked at me and said, “Don’t you have room in your heart to love all of your children?” That simple question was an “Aha!” moment for me.
I immediately flashed back to a memory of being pregnant with my second son and wondering how in the world I could possibly love another child as much as my first. As soon as he was born, the love for my second child enveloped me; and the question of how much capacity I had to love became a moot point.
My heart has room for many loves – my husband, my new mate, family, friends, and pets. It is a big place with infinite capacity.
In the past, when one of our pets died and we got a new cat or dog, not a replacement, but another pet to love, I didn’t worry about room in my heart. I didn’t worry about losing the memories of that beloved pet. I am not likening the death of my husband to a pet, but the point here is that I am more than capable of holding countless “loves” in my heart.
Moving Forward
I consider myself very lucky and am grateful to have found a loving man who honors my past, as I do his. In our sixties, we know that our individual journeys, before we met, prepared us to find the love we have for each other today. We have blended our lives and are building our own history each and every treasured day that we spend together. I have come to understand that I am not being disloyal to my deceased husband; I am honoring the love we had by being open to life’s possibilities.
The questioning within me has been answered and my heart is open and at ease. As Rumi said,
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
I whole “heartedly” agree!
Laurel D. Rund is the published author of “Emerging Voices…Living On–A Journey Through Loss to Renewal.” Her words and art have come together to form the “Essence of Laurel.” What could have stopped Laurel in her tracks, instead took her on a journey into the creative self as an artist and writer. Her artwork is called Art from the Heart, which is a poem from her soul. Her blog, Metamorphosis—Your Stories, is comprised of inspirational narratives contributed by individuals who want to “pay it forward” by sharing their stories of transformation, hope and renewal. Laurel is a contributing author for The Open to Hope Foundation, The Grief Toolbox, More Magazine, Baby Boomer Women and the Author’s Den. She exhibits her artwork at Florida art shows, on Fine Art America and on her website http://essenceoflaurel.com.