By Howard Peiper
It is certainly understandable that when we become addicted to pleasing growing up, we do so with a fully crystallized program that to be good enough we must comply with the wishes and demands of others. As with so many other family dysfunctions, we are unable to validate ourselves from within so we must depend on others to confirm our value from the outside. Not having developed any sense that we are inherently worthy of care ourselves (i.e. lovable for being ourselves), we strive to make ourselves lovable by becoming for others whatever we think they might want from us.
For most of us who are addicted to pleasing, by the time we reach adulthood the habit of disavowing our needs and deferring to the wishes of our parents has become well-conditioned.
This now outdated behavioral program automatically gets repeated (with dozens of variations) once we are on our own. At the extreme, as “pushovers” or “human doormats,” we allow others (and at times may even encourage others) to walk all over us. Sadly, being “used” in such fashion actually helps alleviate social anxieties and makes us feel more secure.
There is a part in most of us that wants to please those around us, to be accepted.
It’s hard to imagine that wanting to please others we care about might be considered an addiction in some way. We are often bombarded with messages and philosophies urging us to do something for someone else and to put others first—to make everything about compassion for the needs and desires of others. When we take it to the extreme, living this way can be a complex, debilitating and sad existence.
It’s bound up in “doing the right thing” by those around us, fulfilling our duty or performing in a way that society expects us to. It is tied together with obligation, fear of isolation, not belonging, and picking up on the obvious and not so obvious judgments and conditions around us (just like when we were children).
So how do we, who are addicted to pleasing, disencumber ourselves of such a self-effacing, life-denying pattern? The short answer is only gradually, and with much effort. After all, these pleasing patterns have become deeply ingrained and associated with the only kind of parental acceptance we may ever have known.
It is important to check our agenda, at every point, for everything we say and do. It means slowing our reactivity down and becoming more mindful about our responses and actions and working on our own stuff. Taking a chance on bravery and holding out for our own beliefs. This way also allows those around us the freedom to learn their own lessons and walk their own path.
We who are making this commitment to alter our self-effacing, other-directed behaviors can anticipate feelings of hesitancy, nervousness, guilt and ambivalence.
To whatever degree, such feelings are likely to show up almost every time we act in a self-interested (vs. self-sacrificing) manner. The best formula for recovery, then, is to acknowledge these feelings as they come up and speak to the apprehensive child within of such doubts.
Dr. Howard Peiper, N.D., nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, has written several best-selling books on nutrition and natural health. His blog is: drhowardpeiper.wordpress.com.