By Suna Senman, LMSW
Expectations make disappointments possible, especially in relationships. When there are no expectations, there is nothing to be disappointed over. Some expectations are spelled out clearly in contracts. And still the parties involved can interpret contracts differently. Varied interpretations lead to divergent expectations. When expectations are countered by contradictory behavior, disappointments occur and can break trust in relationships. Think about a disappointment you had with someone. What was your expectation? How did he or she breach your expectation?
My most immediate breach of expectation is an experience I recently had with my little six-pound dog. We have a routine of getting out of bed in the morning and going out for her morning potty. She usually walks to the door with me and sits while I put on my coat and boots, before putting on her jacket and leash. This morning she started to follow me to the stairs, but then squatted outside the bedroom door to pee on the carpet. I was hugely upset; I picked her up and shut her in the bathroom while I grabbed paper towel and cleaner and cleaned up the mess. I continued to carry both her and my disappointment as I brought the soiled paper towels to the garbage waiting at the street (to be picked up this morning). I carried my irritation out to the middle of the yard where I set her down to empty anything left in her bladder. She just stood there, frozen like a statue.
I realized then that our relationship was disturbed. She was feeling bad about herself that she disappointed me, and I felt imbalanced that I was carrying this heavy frustration. I crouched down, picked her up, looked her in the eyes, and expressed myself. I told her about my expectation and displeasure and I told her that I love her. I needed to voice my anticipations where I could hear them, too. As I looked at her, I could readjust my hopes to realize that she’s still a puppy. I need to continue to carry her to the door if I want to be certain that her first bladder release of the morning does not occur on my carpet. (Or accept that I’ll be replacing the carpet.) I could drop my heavy discontent and begin healing the broken relationship. We could move forward with our normal routine.
What heavy disappointments do you need to drop? Let me also explain how the rest of the day went with my canine relationship: Although I decided to drop the disappointment, my little puppy continued to be a puppy; she wet on the wood floor twice and pooped once. Even though I have newspapers on the floor, she does not live up to my expectation of relieving herself on the papers. I believe she has expectations of me as well. She probably wants me to take her out when she needs to relieve herself. My puppy and I have communication difficulties. She does not seem to know what I want, and I do not know what she wants. Even though I decided to drop my disappointment and lower my expectations, I need to continue to make efforts to improve communication. Both my puppy and I want to make one another happy.
Just like dogs have different communication styles, people also have various expressive approaches. Learning a person’s communication style gives you the opportunity to read his or her expectations and to communicate yours effectively. A person who is very “net” wants just the facts and may not understand metaphor or inferential language. Some people are very sensitive to facial expressions and body language, so they will “hear” more than your words. Others have internal dialogues running while you speak so that your words are filtered and twisted into other meanings. If your style is different than the person with whom you want to communicate, you probably need to make adjustments in the way you listen and express yourself.
Creating more harmony in our relationships certainly takes effort, but with the right approach—one that includes letting go of expectations and improving communications—we can set the stage for more trust and peace in our lives.
Suna Senman LMSW, CSW, CTIM, CED, is a life transformation facilitator who specializes in wellness counseling, childhood development, peace education, and diversity training. She blogs on topic for The Huffington Post; she has published articles on topic in periodicals such as Metro; and she is the author of Being: A Process. Through her work, Suna helps people expand their sense of self, release their illusion of separation, develop nurturing partnerships, and consciously design a harmonious life path. Her writing has included interviews with supermodel Tyra Banks, celebrity violinist Miri Ben Ari, and relationship expert Paul Brunson. Suna’s new book, Peace: Discovering Life’s Harmony through Relationships, was released on August 8, 2013. For more information visit www.sunasenman.com.