By Dr. ZZ
Question: I am going through a prolonged divorce which is taking a long time. What I’d like to know is how to best present myself to prospective dates. Some women don’t seem to mind, while others don’t want to have anything to do with me. Please help.
Dr. ZZ: With divorce rates toppling 50 percent these days, this is not an uncommon concern. Other separated singles have written previously with similar questions. As you point out, a not-yet-divorced man is at a disadvantage because he is not available to marry, yet he is competing with other men who are. Although some women won’t care one way or the other, a woman who is dating to find a husband may perceive you as playing the field. If you cannot give her a timeframe around being ready to remarry, she may look elsewhere for someone who is capable of marrying sooner.
Open, honest communication is always the best approach. It is important to tell the women you’re dating the truth and to do so from the very beginning. The same applies to women who are recently separated: report early and often what it’s like to be you in the world, and let go of the need for a specific result. Freedom comes from expressing yourself authentically in a heartfelt manner, not from controlling the outcome. Such, my friend, is life.
Question: I recently met a friend of friends who, after we had been emailing back and forth for a number of months, stopped by to meet me when he was on business in the area. He and I share common interests and come from similar backgrounds, and I would have enjoyed getting to know him better, except on our first date he told me he was looking for a partner who could pay her own way. Where this man has literally 10 times more money than I do, the idea of my being evaluated on the basis of financial wherewithal was a turnoff. I don’t mind sharing expenses at places I can afford, but I tend to eat at sandwich shops while his idea of low-budget is a four-star restaurant. No way I can accompany someone like this on my budget, and chances are he wouldn’t be happy for long in my world!
At the same time, he also proclaimed a list of other “deal-breakers,” which he said he hoped I could accept. These included having no cats in our presence (he’s allergic), sleeping with the window shades open, and the fact that he snores. I’ve never come across anything quite like this before and wonder what you would have done in my shoes. It didn’t work out between us to see each other a second time, and I find myself wondering if I may have erred by coming across as standoffish and letting him get away.
Dr. ZZ: At least he was being honest, a trait that makes him more admirable than, say, someone who might have instead “forgotten” his wallet at home. It also seems as if he was opening the opportunity to discuss a prevalent issue about an important component in relationships. If I had been on my toes in a situation like this, I would probably have shared exactly what you wrote above: that you don’t mind splitting expenses at places you can afford, but you can’t imagine splitting costs with him too often at higher cost venues. This would give him a chance to reply and give you the opportunity to evaluate his response. Stranger differences are negotiated successfully every day of the week between partners who are otherwise compatible.
In order to know whether he is capable of the kind of generosity that sustains a relationship, you would need to get to know him better and observe his behaviors in daily activities. Did he carry your bags and show you other niceties that money can’t buy? Was he, perhaps, just saying what he did because he doesn’t know you well enough yet and feels uncomfortable paying for everything this early on? More awareness needs to be developed around him before it is possible to tell where he was coming from in his statement. Then too, he had his own energy in the interaction; and perhaps he was simply not interested for other reasons.
As for his litany of dictates, it sounds rather premature to give ultimatums on a first date. Had these matters been left to casual conversation, you may have been able to evaluate your feelings about them in contrast to any feelings you were developing about the man himself. To present such preambles on a first date signals an element of insecurity on his part. Perhaps other women have left him in the past for these features, and he was disclosing them in advance in order to avoid that again.
Regardless of his motives, his deal-breakers were obviously too much for your tastes and contributed to your standoffishness. With so many other subjects you could have explored and had fun with, discussing snoring and sleeping habits on a first date seems slightly obsessive. In his own way, this man appears to have given you the information your inner sense needed to discern that the two of you are probably not a match made in heaven. As much as his well-heeled lifestyle may have been appealing, chances are he was also carrying a lot of unresolved baggage.
Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition, syndrome or ailment. Send queries or comments to askDrZZ@yahoo.com. All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.
Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters.