By Dr. ZZ
Question: I have been dating my fiancé for almost six years. During the first six months we dated, I kissed 4 guys. We only kissed, and each time I was pretty drunk (I know that is no excuse), but I never told him. Now we are engaged to be married, and I can’t help feeling guilty and awful every now and then. I can’t decide if I should tell him, or if telling him will hurt him too much and I will be doing it only to make myself feel better. What should I do? To tell or not to tell, that is the question
Dr. ZZ: The real question is whether or not to let fear hold you back from being authentic. Withheld information, withheld feelings, withheld anything is like a wall that separates people. To bury this information and never let it see the light of day may work to prevent your fiancé’s upset, but it will most likely also create a split in the relationship, and you will have to keep up a front. Ultimately, that is not going to be in yours or your fiancé’s best interest.
The guilt you feel is already prompting you to tell the truth; it speaks of the secret wall that will continue to build between you and the most important person with whom you want to be as honest and as close as possible. Being a true and loyal partner and holding back secrets is a contradiction in terms.
Trust develops, not from fear or withholding, but from the experience of showing up in authentic honesty. Sure, you will have to deal with upset feelings; yet those will also be authentic, and you will be able to deal with them. At least you will stand a chance at developing appropriate tools for handling them and others that bubbled up in the future.
The only alternative is that of slowly building a wall — and that is sure to end up being a problem that won’t go away. You cannot pretend your way into a great and loving relationship; you can only learn, grow, be authentic, face your fears and respond to feelings as they arise.
Question: I am 24 years old and my boyfriend of two years just broke up with me. I am having an extremely difficult time getting over this. My friends and family aren’t very helpful. I feel like he was the one guy for me, and that I will never find anyone else. He was my first love. How do I get over this? I think about him all the time, and I still love him very much.
Dr. ZZ: There is no generic way to get over a lost love. The first heartbreak is usually the toughest. Instead of trying to forget, you’re better off just living with the change and letting time work its inevitable magic. One day you’ll discover, hopefully soon, that you’re not thinking about him constantly. A good day will be when you find that you have gone for an hour or more without having thought of him at all. Keep track; the space will eventually open up. Though he will always have a place in your heart, you will find in time that you have the room to welcome in a new love.
Question: I am 23 years old and have a child. My baby just turned 2 and is the love of my life. His father is involved in illegal activities, and my family doesn’t want me to be with him at all — not just because he makes his living illegally, but because he doesn’t aspire to change. I still have strong feelings for him, and there are times when I cry myself to sleep because I discovered that he cheated on me, and I am upset. It frustrates me so, but I feel that I can’t move on with someone else because I’m scarred for life. I have been dating this man for such a long time; I am afraid to break up with him and date someone else who will mistreat me the same way he does. Likewise, he is wealthy from what he does, and it helps me buy necessities for our son. It’s like I want to move on, but because we have a son I need to stay in the relationship. I just don’t know how to keep up. What should I do?
Dr. ZZ: You can’t be with somebody just because he supports you financially or because the two of you have a child. That is like offering yourself to slavery. You need to be with someone because of love, because of an inner strength that you get from the relationship. Instead, it seems as if you are emotionally broken, and decisions based on emotions alone can be dangerous. Rather than dwell too much on whether you should stay with this man, and rather than be concerned about your future with somebody else, you may want to focus on building a spiritual relationship with your highest conceptualization of God, Spirit or your Higher Self. That’s what will assure you a successful future. A quest for inner peace will lead to the truth. Without that to guide you, you will remain lost and in doubt. Like a ship at sea, you must use a compass and depend on the direction it provides.
Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice or as diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition or ailment. Send queries or comments to askDrZZ@yahoo.com and listen to her on www.ahstation.com/drzz. All published information is kept strictly confidential.
Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters.