Ask Dr. ZZ, November

By Dr. ZZ

Question: According to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, men look for beauty in a woman, and women look for security in a man. In this regard, my husband and I have exchanged roles: he is the handsome one, and I am the provider. This makes for a steamy sexual relationship, but when it comes to paying bills, we have difficulty. I often feel more like his mother than his wife. Is there any hope for a man in his forties who hasn’t yet matured financially?

Dr. ZZ: In truth, men are from earth and women are from earth; so you might as well face it. Men value themselves for doing a job well, and women look to a man to give them what they want. A woman’s influence over her mate can also come through her understanding of the male libido since, for all intents and purposes, a man in lust is a man in a state of hypnosis. If you and your hubby feel passion for each other, you’re already one step ahead. There’s hardly any behavioral request a man won’t attempt in exchange for attention, affection, and appreciation.

Stay focused on the positive, and your hubby may be trainable. Make precise requests that he can follow, resist the urge to teach or preach, dote on him for sincere attempts to accomplish, and the two of you should be able to keep moving forward. Meanwhile, if you and he would care to pursue this further, please contact me by email and we can delineate more precisely a mutually satisfying “training cycle.”

Question: I am a long-term Florida resident with a home and business here. Since the demise of the relationship that inspired me to move here years ago, I have remained single and have not had much of a social life. Aside from interactions with people at work, I do not have many recreational outlets.

About three months ago, I met a man online, and he’s due to be passing through here on business next month. Because of the nature of his commitments, he will be staying for only four days in one direction and two in the other. This trip is the reason we met. He did a search on an Internet dating service for single women in Sarasota, and my profile came up. If nothing else, it will give us a chance to spend time together and to get to know each other. He, like myself, is looking for a long-term relationship.

My only concern is that, if the two of us click, I don’t know whether to have sex with him or not. We’ve been verbally intimate via email, and I’m having trouble imagining how such a short visit can possibly develop into anything more that just a fling. Given the small window of opportunity we’ll have to get to be with each other, I don’t know whether to act like we’re strangers or to hop in bed with him and hope for the best. It’s not like we’re next-door neighbors. My financial situation is such that maintaining a long distance relationship will be too costly to consider. I’ve also been out of the loop for so long that I no longer know how people behave these days when it comes to sex. Please fill me in so that I may know what to expect. I have no idea how to approach this or how to handle myself.

Dr. ZZ: Whoa, Girlfriend! You’re way ahead of yourself. Let’s see if we can look at this from another perspective. Were you and he to meet during either your last four or five days on a vacation somewhere else, you’d be in a similar situation. Would you forge ahead and have sex, or would you tread softly and take your chances that way? Neither approach comes with an ironclad guarantee of anything else to follow. No matter what you decide, it’s a personal decision—one you will most likely have to make “in the moment” rather than in advance.

A point of information I would like to offer is that there are a multitude of shades of gray between the black and while of “all or nothing.” Rather than envision your only options as “act like you’re strangers” or “hop in bed,” you may want to build a resource of other possible ways in which the two of you can interact. Physical intimacy (“into me you see”) does not have to involve sex. Just getting naked and lying in each others’ embrace would be a giant step ahead of email. Especially where pheromones are thought to trigger the primal instinct responsible for “chemistry,” exchanging sweat and body odors with this man alone will work in analogous ways to the way hormones in the body send specific signals from one set of cells to another.

You don’t have to push past barriers that you’re not ready to explore on what may well be no more than a long and extended blind date. There’s more to getting to know someone than jumping into bed, and nothing says the two of you can’t get together again in the future if you’re both inclined. My suggestion is that you down shift one gear and approach this opportunity slowly. Give life a chance to weave its magic in your interactions.

Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition or ailment. Send queries or comments to All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.

Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith  spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters.

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