By Annie Burnside
In the modern age of texts and tweets, it is of utmost importance that parents maintain active, open lines of face-to-face and soul-to-soul communication with their children. This does not mean resisting the new means of sharing in a highly technological world, but rather continually exploring ways to connect with one another both on and beyond the keyboard. As children get older, parents must observe carefully what their children enjoy in the physical world and meet them there as often as they can. This may at times include technology in different forms, but parents should not allow these mediums to become the sole focus within the family. The more attuned parents are to their children’s interests and passions, the better able they are to utilize those interests as opportunities for expanded personal connection.
As children enter their middle school years, the interactions between parents and children shift greatly. While it used to be quite easy to sit on the floor together to play with dinosaurs, share a book or build with blocks, this type of access into the children’s world on a moment-to-moment basis begins to diminish. Part of this change is simply due to quantity of time spent together, but the nature of the hours shared also shifts dramatically. All of a sudden, the children become immersed in a world of music, books, movies, technology, and friendships that may seem quite foreign to parents in many ways. Parents can view all of these new interests as pathways to greater awareness and connection that can be tailored to fit into family life in a way that feels right for both parent and child.
As children grow in age and maturity, parents must discuss with them regularly all aspects of their daily life.
The goal is never to invoke fear, but to instill accountability in all choices, online or otherwise. Parents must continually assess whether or not they are offering a true understanding of core concepts such as authenticity, self-love, boundaries, connectedness, forgiveness, gratitude, and presence in tandem with their children’s inevitable foray into a fast-paced and ever-changing world. Parents must not only teach these concepts but also model ways for their children to integrate them into life experiences and relationships.
Finding Balance
The invitation for all parents is to actively participate in as many areas of their children’s lives as possible without suffocating them or decreasing their natural move towards independence, authenticity, and freedom. Their interests, when viewed from an expanded perspective, offer rich material and opportunity to connect with them in deep and joyous ways. Songs, movies, and all veins of creative expression (yes, even technology) provide optimal entry points into daily conversation and in-depth discussion aimed at uncovering deeper meaning in all aspects of life. Find out why they like a particular song or movie. How does it speak to them? How does it make them feel? In turn, parents may share their thoughts or feelings on a favorite song and why it resonates on some level.
Parents can utilize friendships and relationships to dissect and review the core concepts mentioned above to expand perspective and enhance the parent/child bond. They can model for children what sharing a mutual life experience looks and feels like and create the space and opportunity to discuss the touchstones of the day through a weekly family discussion or a nightly five-minute chat at bedtime.
Parents must be continually on the lookout for a bridge into their children’s world.
As children grow older, the sharing is of a different nature, but stems from the same loving bond as before, even if the child does not outwardly express this deeply felt, yet unseen connection. Parents must trust that it is there and forge ahead in the desire to keep intimacy alive. It becomes the parent’s job to tap into the essence of what their children enjoy even if the shape or form does not fully resonate. Parents should take the time every so often to close their eyes and breathe deeply to recall in their heart and mind the feeling of coming into their own passions and interests when they were the same age as their children. It was a different time and the technology available is much more advanced today, but it is important for parents to remember the feeling of listening to a popular song on the radio or looking forward to watching a television show each week. It is important for parents to recall the excitement of playing a video game over and over again, trying for a personal best or sharing secrets with a best friend for long hours on the phone. If parents can access their inner-adolescent, they will have a much greater chance of connecting now with their own children.
Opening Up
Parents who take the time to open to rather than outright resist aspects of their children’s lives that they may not fully understand strengthen the lifelong bond immeasurably. This does not mean that parents disengage from the role of parent, but it does mean that parents open themselves to the possibility that they can move into their children’s world a bit more and enjoy the ride with them rather than in opposition to them.
Parents, to as great an extent possible, must give children permission to be authentic in their choices of technology, friends, and more. With this permission, they can offer them the parental insight that there are multiple angles to every choice. Parents can encourage transparency and honesty, creating a family structure that helps children monitor their choices—such as computer use on the first floor only or no hand-held devices used after 8 p.m.
Parents should not be afraid to expect accountability and to enforce it, while at the same time remain accepting and open to the child’s expanding world.
It is imperative that parents take the time to teach children that current choices affect future reality. In the midst of the many facets of their complex life experiences, it is important for parents to continually remind children that input determines output and vice-versa. In other words, parents must assist their children in coming to understand that filling up with negativity, violence, and disharmony greatly affects their overall well-being—they are the source, not the effect—joy begets more joy, inspiration begets more inspiration, and the opposite.
Conscious parenting requires active participation in all aspects of family life, connecting not only within the parents’ comfort zones but also within the children’s. It invites parents to share the adolescent adventure fully with their children rather than simply observe from a distance. The ever-expanding children may not be fully open to this hands-on participation, but isn’t it worth the never-ending attempt? Parents can begin to intuitively feel for the openings to interact richly with their children that occur naturally rather than push too hard at the wrong time.
The teenage years are fast and fleeting. There is much sharing, laughter, togetherness, and JOY to be had. As parents model authentic living and deep connection with others, their beloved children just may follow suit in their own way, through not only their face-to-face and soul-to-soul interactions, but through their inevitable online interactions, as well.
Annie Burnside M.Ed. provides a modern bridge between the mainstream and the mystical. She is a soul nurturer, award-winning author, public speaker, and teacher specializing in parenting, conscious relationships, authentic living and spiritual development. Her book Soul to Soul Parenting won the 2011 Nautilus Silver Book Award and the 2011 Next Generation Independent Book Award. She is a blogger for the Chicago Tribune and Modern Mom, a 30Second Mom Mobile contributor, and a columnist for Evolving Your Spirit Magazine. Annie hosts a monthly radio show on the I’m Thankful Network and writes guest articles for many venues. She resides in Chicago, IL, with her husband and three children. For more information visit www.annieburnside.com.