Question: For six months, I’ve been chatting online with a man who lives out-of-state. We became online lovers, and he just came to Florida on vacation so we could meet. He called on the phone, and we met at a restaurant, but in person he was like a total stranger. We sat across the table from each other without knowing what to talk about. It was awkward and both of us seemed uncomfortable. When it came time to say good night, we shook hands and made no plans to get together again. That was the last I thought I’d see of him. But then the next day I got an email from him, and he continued chatting with me as before. He says he wants to remain online lovers but doesn’t want to get attached. Why would he say something like that after coming all this way to meet me? How can I make him feel guilty and let him know that I am not as desperate as he assumes?
Dr. ZZ: No matter how much information you exchange with someone online, you and the relationships you develop are going to remain “virtual.” This is not to say that there’s anything intrinsically wrong with them. You just have to keep them in perspective. In many ways, chat room meetings are like brain candy, the imagination creates a fictional self as well as a fictional other. Apparently this man’s invention of himself fell for your invention and vice versa. Like a pair of robots in love with each other, you realized in person that what you had imagined was not so in reality. There is no point in wanting him to feel guilty or in attaching yourself to convince him of anything. The online relationship couldn’t have taken place without your holding your end of the fantasy in place and no harm came to either of you. Turn off your computer, and shrug this off as virtual heartbreak. Maybe your luck will change when you get out and meet real people instead.
Question: Last year, my marriage of two years ended, but my ex-wife and I have managed to remain friends. My brother and his wife keep in touch with my ex and have invited her to visit them, but they’ve made no effort to contact me. I feel hurt and left out. Short of reading them the riot act, what can I do?
Dr. ZZ: It is unclear how close you and your brother were before your marriage ended. If you spent a lot of time together, it could be that he and his wife now feel sorry for your ex. Another possibility is that they are afraid you may be hurt if you knew they were still friendly with her, so they are keeping it from you in order to spare your feelings. They are the ones to ask. You need to have a talk. Let your brother and sister-in-law know that, although the breakup was painful, you and your wife parted on good terms, and you would never expect them to shun her. Make it clear though that you also feel excluded. They may have no real explanation, or they may simply say that they didn’t want to lose her as a friend. Whatever the case, you need to hear them out and let them know you want to start over. Alternatively, you can always reach out, and invite them to visit you. The phone rings both ways.
Question: I have a huge amount of pent-up anger towards women. Ever since high school, I’ve been angered by the hypocrisy, mind-games and double standards I’ve perceived from my female peers. I’ve always felt generally ignored and looked-down upon by women and had very few girlfriends. Typically, I’ve ended-up feeling that they’ve treated me badly. I have an overwhelming wish to just find a woman with whom I can share my affection, but I now find certain stereotypical “female” attributes to be contemptible. I just want to broadcast my anger to the largest number of women possible so I can tell them ALL how I feel, and how angry and disappointed I am in them. I’m sure there’s no simple solution, but I thought I’d ask your advice.
Dr ZZ: Any woman can beat a man down, few are capable of encouraging him to build himself up. Consequently, a large number of men are angry in the midst of the feminist wave and find themselves at odds with women. To heal this is an inside job. Regardless of the external packaging, each of us is part-man and part-woman. We therefore need to learn to forgive both genders.
The positive purpose of anger is to motive change within self. Every time you point a finger at someone else, three point back at you. It does little good to approach women with an arrogance that says, “If you think you’re better than me, prove it.” Having sex and then discarding the other person so you can feel victorious doesn’t work either. Instead, it is best to identify where you give your power over to women and then work toward gently maintaining that boundary. In this way, you stand a better chance of relating to them on the level of affection you seek. Let this be your guiding principle: Whatever you find disturbing in another says something about aspects you have yet to heal within yourself.
Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition or ailment. Send queries or comments to askDrZZ@yahoo.com. All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.
Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works in Sarasota with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith, community-based spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters.