By Dr. ZZ
Question: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for close to six months, and I love him dearly. But since we’ve been going out, he has developed a relationship with my two closest female friends, and it’s driving me crazy. He talks about them frequently and spends more time on the phone with them than I do. I don’t want to come across as jealous or possessive—this would put both the relationship and my friendships at risk—but I don’t know how else to handle this. Am I overreacting, or should I be glad that they’re getting along so well?
Dr. ZZ: Especially in a relatively new relationship, the tendency is to let your imagination run wild. Because your boyfriend has struck up a friendship with more than just one of your buddies, chances are nothing underhanded is going on. But you’re feeling left out; and, because these friends are women, you’re afraid that they may be threats. Obviously, you’re going to have to address this with your boyfriend. This doesn’t mean that you need to be confrontational. You can simply tell him it’s great he and your friends get along, ask him what they talk about on the phone, and express that you’d like to spend more of the time with him that he puts into talking to your friends. The point is not to come across as if you’re jealous, but to let him know that you’re envious, and you’d like to be more involved. In all, you may have to simply accept that he may just like your friends for many of the same reasons you do.
Question: My close friend of many years is in the process of getting a divorce. Though I have two children of my own, she expects me to baby-sit her kids, run errands for her, and listen to her tales of woe. I’m exhausted and need to reclaim my life, but I don’t know how to extract myself from her neediness. Help!
Dr. ZZ: Your friend probably can probably use an extra dose of support during this rough transitional period, but she can’t expect you to be there to fulfill her every need. If you try, she’ll only become more dependent, and you’ll end up resenting her and needing help yourself. One possible alternative is to make a standing date, perhaps two or three times a week, and to encourage her to be more self-reliant. While you’re with her, you can offer advice and companionship, but make it clear that you need to stick to the schedule you’ve worked out. If she expects more or wants you to run errands, you’ll have to flex your emotional muscle and tell her that because of your own obligations, you can’t take on any more than you have, and that it’s essential you allocate your time carefully.
When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, it can feel compromising. People often concede and go against their own sense of inner reluctance because they want the other person to like them. They often think that saying no will hurt the other person’s feelings. Though it’s best to be honest, saying no can feel risky. Some folks are such “pleasers” that they volunteer to help automatically–even before anyone else asks for assistance. Blind to their own anxiety to keep peace at all costs, they ignore their own rights, sacrifice their own tranquility, and end up feeling mistreated or unappreciated.
Much like the young women in the question above, saying no doesn’t have to annihilate your friendship or be confrontational. You can courteously report your opinions without being unkind or critical, and you can be direct without expecting your friend to change. People generally appreciate a sincere yes all the more after being honestly apprised of an authentic no. Compassionate communication lays the groundwork for enhancing and strengthening your emotional ties.
As for her kids, you may have to suggest that you can care for them only in case of an emergency. This may sounds harsh, but if she is a friend worth having, she won’t object to being reminded that you too have a life.
Question: After a 20-year marriage, I am now a single mom with two kids to raise. Suddenly, I have to tend to all the little chores that my husband used to do. Recently, I went to the car mechanic to ask him about a problem, and he was so condescending, he practically patted me on the head. The same thing happened when I went to the hardware store. How can I stand up to these guys and still get the advice I need?
Dr. ZZ: Bravo to you for getting out there and being willing to pinch-hit for yourself! While you can’t be expected to take a crash course in auto mechanics or home repair, simply learning a bit of the basic jargon can go a long way. Often, if you can throw out a technical term or two, you stand a better chance of being heard. It sometimes sets these guys back a few steps when they hear you say, “How much torque do I need to replace this valve head?” If speaking their language isn’t enough to earn you respect, then I suggest taking your business elsewhere. And don’t be afraid to tell these condescending grease monkeys why on the way out.
Disclaimer: All information provided in this article is intended as general information only and is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice, or as diagnosis, treatment or cure for any condition or ailment. Send queries or comments to askDrZZ@yahoo.com. All identifying information is kept strictly confidential.
Dr. ZZ’s bold, upfront, directive style plays an inspirational role in the lives of people she touches. Drawing on a non-traditional Ph.D. in counseling and natural healing, ZZ works in Sarasota with shaman elder Jack Alexander (“Golden Feather”), who offers land blessings, shamanic training, Life Purpose readings, and all-faith, community-based spiritual guidance. This forum proposes potential solutions on health, emotional, and personal matters. For more, see www.shaman.mosaicglobe.com.