How to move on after a disagreement.
By Lisa Hawkins
We’ve all experienced having a disagreement with our partner, and it’s important to know that afterward there is a crucial point that determines if the situation will be resolved or just retreat into the background to emerge again in the future.
Often, if we’ve apologized and talked it out, there is affection and connection—and that reconnection is important. But there is also a tiny bit of space where we have the option to review the disagreement and make a commitment to work on things consciously to resolve the root problem. While snuggles, cuddles and affection are great, if the intentional action doesn’t also happen, then it will likely not register in the brain to make a shift.
Part of being in a conscious relationship is making sure that each partner is on the same page moving forward, and, if not, there is a commitment to discuss it more.
Hurrying up to get affectionate or to get away from the discomfort isn’t necessarily productive. Next time you are in this mode, watch to see if the desire to kiss and make up is an attempt to circumvent the difficult part of the process and get back to the comfortable stuff.
It takes time to get in the habit of finishing the disagreement with mindfulness practice. Maybe that might be saying, “Let’s check in with each other in a few days to see how we both are feeling.”
Saying, “I’m sorry and I won’t do it again” sounds great, but it’s usually not enough. There must be a conscious practice to notice if you are avoiding discomfort and then to catch yourself. That’s because apologies are only meaningful if they are authentic and come with a humble desire to really understand and make shifts until issues are resolved.
Taking the proper amount of time to really resolve a core issue is important. If that doesn’t happen, and the problem shows up again, understand that possibly you didn’t do a thorough enough investigation, and it might be helpful to repeat the process again.
Our brain is wired to avoid conflict and pain; it seeks homeostasis and sometimes that desire to get back to comfort can actually sabotage our relationships.
The majority of my clients are men. I’ve often heard from them that “I’ve talked enough” and “It needs to be put to rest.” They become upset that their partner won’t let it go. Women might do this, too. Remember—whatever the issues—it needs to be discussed and resolved without a timer.
Walking out of the room or leaving because you’ve heard enough can feel dismissive to your partner. Try to let the person know you will come back once you cool down. However, you have to come back in a timely manner for this to work. Often, it’s easier to not want to face it again, so we just go on about our daily life.
After you have come to a resolution, then talk a bit before the makeup sex (or after, if that works for you) to really nail down intentions. Make sure you are both on the same page, that there is a plan.
I know it doesn’t sound romantic! You might think it kind of “kills the moment” but, if you get used to it, it can turn into a turn-on. You might find that resolution is hot! Certainly, you will eventually find your comfort zone.
I interviewed many people to find out what their best tips were for moving on from a disagreement, and I heard a multitude of answers. Some use prayer or meditation after the disagreement. Some had makeup sex. Others cooked together. There were a few that made a conscious commitment to do things differently going forward.
Everyone has their preferences on how to reconnect after a disagreement and—if it works for you—then that’s wonderful! Do it. But, if you find that days later you are feeling an issue wasn’t completely resolved, discuss this uneasy feeling with your partner. Often, if not resolved it will eventually show up again. Work in some time for re-discussion to consciously plan on how to avoid it in the future. Eye contact is a great way to do this.
For example: “I’ll pause next time, take a deep breath and allow you to finish your sentences. If I don’t, I would like you to remind me of our agreement so that I can continue to practice.”
It might sound silly, but you can have a hand gesture or a secret word to use so that your partner knows when they are overpowering the conversation or going back to default mode. That small amount of effort—if used wholeheartedly—can shift your relationship quickly.
There is a misunderstanding that disagreements are hard. This is why we subconsciously avoid them. When we take steps to make the process easier, we’ll find that we begin to stop avoiding them as much. Our relationship starts to flow. It builds confidence between partners and deepens the relationship. Trust is cultivated.
Lisa Hawkins is a coach with 26 years of experience in personal growth and development, psychology and human behavior with an emphasis on relationships, which includes the most important one, with yourself. She helps those who want to have a more fulfilling relationship and life. When one works on one aspect of life that is holding them back, it trickles down to other areas of life. Love is the one thing we all crave at a deep level: We crave our true nature, our self-love, and to express that love to others. Lisa works with men and women to awaken the conscious part of themselves that knows how to love deeply. Find our more at http://www.ConsciouslyAwakeCounseling.com or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ConsciouslyAwakeCoun/