Don’t Give Up

By Nicole Shir

When your dreams don’t go according to plan, it’s time to rewire the negative patterns from our past.

“I have a dream.” But what happens when that dream falls apart or doesn’t come to pass right away or, when it does, it doesn’t look right?

I remember my senior year in high school, the challenges and struggles I faced because I have a learning disability. During that time, the only thing they really knew about learning disabilities was to pretty much label all of them as dyslexia. That wasn’t what I had—and that wasn’t the only challenge I had. Yet there was one thing that made my life bearable, music. I was a very talented singer.

But my choir teacher didn’t like me; she was known in the district for not liking certain kids. The students she didn’t like she would sabotage. I was one of those kids. She would encourage others in the choir to pick on me. It was so bad my mother had to have a meeting with the principal about the situation. Years later, I spoke with the wife of a friend who told me she had a reputation for this behavior in the school district. The choir teacher not liking me was yet another high school obstacle.

My junior year, I was hit by a drunk driver. As a result, I had a lot of pain in my jaw my senior year of high school. The choir teacher would often say open your mouth wider Nicole. I was in the school nurse’s office constantly, and she knew me by first name. But I couldn’t give up singing; it was my only lifeline in high school, and I wanted a chance to compete at the state level.

During Christmas vacation, I had surgery on my jaw and took that time to recover. When I came back to school, I spoke with my choir teacher about what category to put me in and how I wanted to succeed. She had other plans in mind. When the competition for state came around, she made sure I was in the wrong category. She put her non-favorites in soprano—the hardest category. I am not a soprano, I am a mezzo soprano, and her favorites always went into the mezzo soprano category so they could have a better chance at going to state.

However, her plans were thwarted. The judges heard my voice and sent me to state. I ended up being one of the top sopranos in the State of Oregon after jaw surgery. When people would hear me sing, the common thing I would hear them say is, “She sounds like an angel.”

There is a reason I share this almost-shattering dream story. Fast-forward nearly 30 years later: I am getting ready for my first TEDx talk, a dream come true! It is a virtual event. I don’t have a lot of time to prepare. My host has asked me to do the impossible, speak on four items in 14 minutes and have it ready to go in less than a week.

I am a very committed person, and I wanted to do everything I could to make it as easy as possible for my host, so I hired people to help make the video. Right before I was about to record my talk, I felt something shift and I couldn’t explain it—but something felt different. In retrospect, I believe it happened because I didn’t take care of the negative experiences from my past.

When we got to the event, the video that I submitted was not the same video. A logo was covering my face during many parts of the talk, my lips were not in sync to the words, and there was talking in the background during parts of my video. I was mortified. After that, I had to go back and get a new video made and edited, and there were problems with that as well. My TEDx almost didn’t get released; it felt like high school and the choir teacher situation all over again. I was exhausted and feeling like a deflated balloon.

When we have heightened emotions they attach to memories, which can then formulate patterns that we recreate. It doesn’t mean that it is anyone’s fault. It means we need to go in and rewire to change those patterns.

In those feeling moments, I had choices to make: hate myself, quit (which I almost did), blame the host, or work on my energy to rewire my thought patterns. I chose to rewire my emotions, my thought patterns, because knew I didn’t want this to happen again. I used DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)—specifically “opposite emotion” or going against what you are feeling—to help cope with the difficult emotions. Another aspect of DBT that helped is putting an order to self-respect and the relationship or the objective. In this case, it was objective (saving relationships because my coach and others were involved) and then self-respect. I also used meditation, self-care, and EFT (emotionally focused therapy), which then gave me the ability to use my personality communication model, The Needs Languages.*

I knew the host wasn’t out to get me. I knew he was doing the best job he could. I also knew my dream was too important to let go. I needed to fight for it so that my past memories and emotional traumas didn’t take that dream from me.

That ghosts from the past couldn’t have what was mine. And, in reality, the past didn’t take my dream. I overcame, went to state, and did the impossible in high school—but I had to remember the outcome instead of getting stuck in the emotions of the trauma along the way. I realized my dream is worth it because it is going to help a lot of people. But I had to ask myself, is it worth it? Yes it is!

When challenges and storms come across your path and overshadow your dream, look past the clouds and see the silver lining.  See the challenges as opportunities. See that you can make it through it. See the rainbow after the storm, and share it with others because it just might inspire someone else to chase their impossible dream.

*Author’s Note: You can find out more about The Needs Languages by viewing my TEDx talk on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpPCxbKp4KA

Nicole Shir did her undergraduate degree minoring in business and conflict resolution and completed her master’s in industrial organizational psychology. She has several certifications including Life Coaching. On a road trip with her co-collaborator, “The Needs Languages” was discovered. Nicole discovered that many of the personalities models currently available do not address how personalities communicate and connect with each other and in community. Since then, she has written three booklets. Find out more at http://www.Amazon.com. She currently offers The Needs Languages: Bringing Balance & Belonging in Dating on Kindle Unlimited for free on Amazon. Find out more at https://www.thesevencandles.com/

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