By Mary Boutieller
It is so often in hindsight that we learn our lessons and find our way forward.
Have you ever second-guessed a decision and wished you had done it differently?
While planning a recent visit to see dear friends, I said “yes” to an invitation to go to an outdoor concert, compliments of our friends. I thought it could be fun to sit outside on a lovely evening amongst a hundred or so people and enjoy some music. I would have my mask at the ready, just in case I felt vulnerable, but thought it would be just fine. I didn’t bother to ask more about the venue or the expected size of the crowd. The picture in my mind seemed sufficient for the evening ahead.
So imagine my surprise when we arrived to see a lot of cars in the area! Still not quite comprehending the situation, we headed toward the entrance to find a sea of people—no, an ocean of people, all sandwiched in, making their way forward. My idea of a “hundred or so” people ended up being thousands; and I soon found out that the venue would hold 20,000 people, all of whom seemed to be there at the moment. Astonishment led to despair, and despair led to a near-panic attack, such that I had to leave, with friends in tow, before we had even gotten through the gate.
Afterward, I’ve had time to contemplate what happened and how I responded to it. Initially I questioned my sense of self. Was I not as strong, resilient, or in control as I thought myself to be? I always thought I was more adventurous, daring and bold than I felt that evening.
But then I realized that I am all of that, and more. I understood that I just wasn’t ready for, or comfortable with, the situation in which I found myself. And although my prefrontal cortex was trying to rationalize the situation, my primitive brain was telling me to get the heck out of there. I didn’t feel safe and I didn’t want to stay. And that was okay.
The truth is that we all have our comfort levels and our tolerances for risk and reward. After two years of Covid restrictions and the weariness that entailed, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I reacted in that way.
In retrospect, I wish I had asked more questions. That is the life lesson for me. When we are unsure about something, when our instinct is to do or not do something, it’s extremely helpful to gather more information so that we can make as informed a decision as possible…given that things can always change. Had I inquired, I would have realized that it wasn’t for me and I would have saved myself, my husband, and our friends undue stress.
This event, and others like it, help me figure out who I am as I negotiate living in this world. It is so often in hindsight that we learn our lessons and find our way forward. I am grateful to my friends who supported me in that moment and left with me, even though I wanted them to stay. I’m grateful that I paid attention to what was happening to me and left, even if it meant I might disappoint friends who had worked hard to make the concert happen. And I am grateful for the opportunity to contemplate how I might proceed in the future. Have you ever found yourself going along with the crowd when you knew it wasn’t for you? Have you ever second-guessed a decision and wished you had done it differently?
I’m reminded, too, that we all make mistakes, perceived or otherwise. So to berate myself for not making the “right” decision every time would be silly. Instead, I will breathe in the lesson, keep what I can use, and let go of the rest.
Mark Nepo said, “We are stronger, gentler, more resilient, and more beautiful than any of us imagine.” May we be gentle with ourselves and remember that we are all of this, and more!
Mary Boutieller is a Registered Yoga Teacher through Yoga Alliance. She has been teaching yoga since 2005. Her work experience includes 22 years as a firefighter/paramedic and 10 years as a Licensed Massage Therapist. Mary’s knowledge and experience give her a well-rounded understanding of anatomy, alignment, health and movement in the body. She is passionate about the benefits of yoga and the ability to heal at all levels through awareness, compassion, and a willingness to explore. She can be reached at: SimplyogaOm@gmail.com.