By Nicole Shir
If our personality is out of balance, we are living a silenced life and silencing those around us.
Jammie grew up with two very outspoken parents. She was on that borderline of extrovert and introvert. Many times, she didn’t know she had a voice or if she should speak. When she was tired of the things going on around her, she spoke up but didn’t do it skillfully because she never learned how. This led to confusion because of people’s mixed reactions.
Does this story sound familiar? Maybe you decided it was better not to speak because there might be negative consequences. I was amazed when I discovered how important it is to find balance and realize what giving oneself a voice really means. The ability to find balance should be a part of our life-skills toolbox; everyone needs balance, and I incorporate that philosophy into my practice.
Balance means becoming centered in your personality, at the very core of your being.
During the past year, I have been studying personalities and how people’s personalities communicate with each other, and I have learned that everyone has amazing qualities—but they need to find balance to express them in a meaningful way. Moreover, society groups have been busy silencing each other’s differences, and this has left people feeling off kilter, too. It causes us to easily label each other, which can be helpful, but in most cases it is destructive. The bottom line is, if our personality is out of balance, we are living a silenced life and silencing those around us.
Silencing is not a choice; it is telling someone that they are not worthy to have a voice. At the same time, there are moments when it is wise to be silent, which is a choice—and these are two very different scenarios.
Overall, building communications skills around our personalities provides us with the ability to find balance and a voice. But what do skills look like? How can someone develop or get skills?
There are many resources to help us learn skills. One of my favorite methods is meditation, which has many positive effects. It can actively help people to learn to listen to their inner voice and to others.
When we become aware of what we need, we can voice it in a respectful manner to those we are in relationship with. An example of this is stating: “I understand you would like to discuss this; I am tired, and I am not in a good place to talk about this” or “I want to give you that opportunity at another time when I am more awake. Can we coordinate a date to discuss this?”
If I am not in a relationship with that individual, I can respectfully state something and leave the situation. One example is: “I don’t think we are perceiving the same way. Respectfully, we can end the conversation, or we can talk about something else. Is there something else you would like to talk about?”
This work around communications based on personality types led to the development of “The Needs Languages”, a system I co-created with a collaborator to identify and categorize personality types. It is a fast and intuitive process that can help us feel connected and provide a sense of belonging in all relationships. Using real-life instances, you can learn key concepts about how different people’s personalities can be drawn to or repelled by each other.
For example, through the Needs Language I might learn that my own personality type will automatically draw attention to those I am with. If I recognize this, I can communicate this to someone close to me who does not want attention and come to an understanding. When you have open conversations with those who are precious to you it will improve your long-term relationships. Here is an example of how it might go:
You: “Remember when we were out eating last night and, right as the music stopped, I said something loudly. I think by your reaction you felt uncomfortable, like the whole bar was looking at us.”
Friend: “Yeah, I did.”
You: “I tend to draw attention to myself a lot, which brings attention to you. I hear you are struggling with this because this isn’t your Needs Language. I am working on toning it down so you are not as uncomfortable. What do you think you can do to feel more comfortable. I want to make sure that both of our needs are met.”
In this scenario, you have communicated your own Needs Language, while acknowledging the other person’s Needs Language. Overall, Needs Languages help you know yourself, share what you need, understand the other person needs, and find balance for both parties so every voice is heard.
We can all learn new skills and become aware! Give yourself a voice, be heard and listen.
Nicole Shir did her undergraduate degree minoring in business and conflict resolution and completed her master’s in industrial organizational psychology. She has several certifications including Life Coaching. On a road trip with her co-collaborator, “The Needs Languages” was discovered. Nicole discovered that many of the personalities models currently available do not address how personalities communicate and connect with each other and in community. Since then, she has written three booklets. Find out more at http://www.Amazon.com. She currently offers The Needs Languages: Bringing Balance & Belonging in Dating on Kindle Unlimited for free on Amazon. Find out more at https://www.thesevencandles.com/